the funk

I posted this earlier today and for some reason it disappeared.  :(


For the last month I have been in a "relish every single minute" funk.  A "the kids are getting big so fast" stage.  When I see a picture of Sydney from last Christmas like this....

I get sad.  

Being in this funk does not mean I am actually more present or more successful at realizing the moments around me.  Sometimes it actual hinders my ability.  I get so wrapped up in worrying about this stage passing or being over that I am not enjoying it.  

But dang.  Look at her up there.  Sitting in front of the tree...barely mobile.  Content.  

And now...as the holiday season starts to settle in around us I am blown away by how far she has come in the last year.   I think the first two years of parenting a child really are the ones that make your stomach lurch when you realize that you survived the sleepless nights, figured out the eating, maybe the sleeping, and they are beginning to communicate with words.  When they are fully mobile and starting to question your ideas on how and when things will be done.  You realize that they are little a little person who has wants, needs, desires, demands, emotions, etc.  You realize they will grow up.

It would be around this time that we pondered the idea of a second and then followed through with Henry.  

And then we pondered the idea of a third and followed up with Miss Sydney.  

I feel our family is complete...but, man to be done growing little miracles is a big thing to move through as a woman.  From here...Yes, I gain control of my body again...and maybe that is why working out has become something that brings me joy.  But it also means that from here on out growing the miracle that turns into an amazing little personality is over.  And that is okay.  But as women, even if we know we are done and we are okay with that, it still has it's moments when it doesn't sit right on your heart. 

Charley day two

I think with Charley we were so excited for the next thing to happen that the time just passed and amazed us , but passed and didn't give us this sinking feeling that life was moving too fast.  And with Henry we paused more to realize how quickly he moved from one stage to the next...especially when he weighed in at a grand 20 pounds at 4 months.  And at that point I was coming to terms that our family might be complete.  With Sydney I just look at her pictures and the boys baby pictures and funk settles on my heart.  

Christmas 2011

The other day Ed and I passed a couple who had their second and she was at that age of supportive enough to be held up right by daddy's shoulder but still too tiny to sit or do anything independent.  Ed caught my eye and I know he at least sympathized...even if he can't completely relate to all the emotions that I go through, as the woman.  

Sydney, Easter 2011

 



This morning I sat with a friend who has older children who are involved in all these travelling sports that take up so much of their families time and energy.  And I listened and felt my stress level rising.  I know I am a person who realizes the stage we are in and usually can find the good in it.  And right now, even if Sydney is waking at 4:50am on a regular basis...we don't have enough nightly commitments that make family dinner a "remember when we did that" kind of thing.  Charley has an occasional activity or commitment but for the most part our evenings can be family focused.  

I read so many blogs where the family home schools or lives in a way that they never mention many after school, sport, or other extracurricular commitments.  And there is sooooo much of me that wishes I could let go of the "do our kids need to do what the neighbor's kids are doing to keep up in the world" stress.  

When did sport tournaments take over Sundays.  Even though we don't make church a Sunday tradition at this time, doesn't mean we don't respect that choice for other families.  It still means we focus our Sunday on family.  And it stresses me out thinking that in the not to far ahead future we will wrestle with these demanding choices.  

We have exposed Charley to various sports in easy time commitment ways.  I believe in letting them dip their toes in things, get the experience of being part of a team, learning something new, and boy howdy, I LOVE watching them from the sidelines.  

But again, as time flies by we will soon be managing three kids and their social lives.  

My point here today...

I want to acknowledge my awareness that life is so good right now.  Our time commitments for our children are more about the waking hour, nap time, keeping them fed, getting them to run around outside, reading, homework, and a consistent bedtime.  Their social lives are pretty low stress.  We know most of their friends, the parent's of these friends, and spending time with family still consumes a majority of our weekends.  Family dinner happens most nights.  And all of these things are such small worries when I think of the future...

bigger time commitments, more time driving and dropping off, bigger grocery bills, kids driving, friend invites and pressures, hormonal drama, letting your children learn and make mistakes, and keeping a parent/child connection with a foundation of respect, trust, and openness.  

So while I sit here in my funk.  Thinking of how much my children have grown and how fast these years have passed.  I realize that I too have grown and changed.  And that as children their job is to grow up, become independent, and fly the coop.  And as the parent it is my job to prepare them, celebrate them, and then let them go...while still supporting and letting them know that we are always here.  

Spending time with my children and their two grandmas always reminds me that if I do it right, like these two amazing ladies did, I will continue to enjoy each stage and that just because they start to prefer their friends over my company, become over committed with extracurriculars, bogged down by homework, move away for college, marry some crazy girl, etc....I am their mama and I get to go along on their journey, and it's all awesome.

Hoping by typing out this ramble of a post I can move on from this funk ...until it settles in again...

stay at home MOM

 This morning Ed may or may not have had to pull out some clean work pants from this pile.

And the kitchen counter might look exactly like this...but a little steeper when he gets home from work tonight. 

The kids ate breakfast with last nights pot of ravioli that has now crusted onto the pan.  Damn, Sydney would have devoured those three pieces that didn't get eaten last night today for lunch. 

Dinner has been too much pasta and red sauce because it requires a box and a jar and a pot of water--because a last minute trip to the pool for an hour turned into three.  Bliss.  

But here's the thing. 

When Ed and I decided I would stay home to raise our kids, I am pretty sure that was the reason I was staying home - to be their mom.  NOT a full time dishwasher, laundry folder, toilet scrubber, or whatever.  I didn't decide to be a stay at home wife, even though that is an honor to be able to fold his clothes (which happens only occasionally) or iron his work shirts (which happens never, he irons almost every morning all. by. himself.)  

I stayed home so I could give these kidds experiences and outings and quiet days puttering around our house.  I stayed home so I could embrace the mess and realize that days when the house looks like this...start to finish and to start again, it means we had fun and it was a good day. 

When Ed gets home and I am wiped and can hardly get myself off the couch...it means I probably succeeded at "staying home" that day.  It means that I rationalized with those that don't often rationalize, I bribed when necessary, threatened and may have even followed through.  

Beat my chest and might have roared when I remembered how to make loopy bracelets.

And embraced my swimsuit body as I chased around my 18 month old, bent over a whole lot, and sunburned in spots because applying your own after lathering up your children isn't the priority.  I may have enjoyed a piece of chocolate with my head in the cupboard (because I didn't want to share it).  

I am a stay at home mom. 

And I love that Ed offered to bring home dinner already tonight.

Maybe he is hoping that by bringing home dinner the mound of dishes will disappear or be that much less likely to topple over.  

Who cares what his motives are...I'll take it.  

I'll take it, ditch the mess, the laundry pile, the ring in the toilet and go play with my kids....who are only young once.  

GO!

The desire of little sister's coexisting needs

The other day I read this post and I smiled.
I smiled at the love that this big brother shows his little sister.
I smiled at the Lego picture.
I smiled at the mom's words at the start.
The ones about losing her cool, apologizing, and the Lego's, .

I smiled how the mom said, "My girl. I cherish that celebrating her girliness and wanting to be just like her big brothers coexists for her. I am super proactive with the boys that they celebrate her differences too. So far, we are doing good most days."

There is this negative connection with some of the princess stuff out there.  And the pink and the girlie.... That it can hurt a girl's self-concept and self-esteem.  I suppose if it is abused.  But for me, a mama of a little girl who's greatest goal each day is to sneak behind the road blocks to get to the boys Lego bin and grasp them tightly in her little paws, hold them out to me, but retract her hand as quickly as possible when she sees me shaking my head and coming toward her... well for me, I think my goal as her mama is to celebrate her girliness while not stifling her desire to be just like her brothers.  To teach my boys to embrace the differences that come along with little girls. 

We reorganized toys here yesterday, because the stress of keeping Miss Sydney away from the Lego's was getting to be too tough.  Legos liter all table tops, floor spaces, nooks, crannies, and even the kitchen counters.  I sometimes find them in my pantry or on the bathroom counter.  Miss Syd has this little Lego sensor that must tell her where they are located, because she finds the random ones that are "lost" in little corners of our house.  And every once in a while they make their way to her mouth.  And that is enough to give this mama a heart attack. 

So the boys toys got moved and Miss Syd now has taken over the play area that is out in the living area of our house.  And I noticed that she really doesn't want to play with the kitchen toys, dolls, little doll house, or farm.  She wants to stand at the gate by the door to the toy room and yell to her brothers, "Let me in."  I can build just as good as you. ( I also know she is too little to play a lot of the stuff I listed and her desire to stand at the gate was more about her brothers.)

My dream is that the relationship that Charley and Henry have, will open up and celebrate the girliness that she deserves to be surrounded with, too.  The painted toes, the baby dolls, the princess wands, and whatever else magical and fairy related.  Because, I already know that she is going to dive right into the building blocks, Star Wars guys, Nerf guns, action figures....with her super girl cape on and play right along side her big brothers. 

I don't doubt they will be great customers to her restaurant, beauty salon, or grocery store.  And I know they will embrace the role of dog when she wants to play house...my brother made a great dog back in the day.  They will cheer her on as she gives ballet a try, so that her mama can snap a few pictures of that adventure.  But they will also make her play hard in the yard with the soccer ball and football.  I am excited to see their relationships build and grow.  Giving your child a sibling is one of the greatest gifts you can give them.  And the dynamic that a brother and sister can bring to a house is one that has so much possibility. 

As mamas we all need to remember...

The F word

My new (well, it's not so new any more) camera is teaching me a lot about life these days. Take a look at this picture...Life is all about this!

Do you see the focus of the picture is the sophisticated glass of wine and the bottle that my husband diligently brought home after I called and said I was ready to indulge in my first glass of wine post pregnancy.  (Sydney is sleeping a good 8 hours before nursing in the night so I feel safe indulging in a glass).  No, I am not learning to focus on the alcohol.  NO.  That's not it.

Rather, look at the background.  Do you see the mess?  It doesn't stand out in this picture because that isn't the focus.  That isn't what's important.

My days have gotten quite a bit busier since Sydney was born.  My days could be filled with tasks, like doing the dishes, folding the laundry, emailing, reading a book, sweeping the kitchen floor, playdates, a stocking the fridge, cooking meals where the side dishes compliment the main dish, showering, getting out of our pjs, turning library books in on time (well that one is important), and so much more...

But going on 2 months here...I have slowly learned to let all that go - not completely.  But let it go a little more.  By letting it go, and knowing that it is okay, the focus is no longer on that messy busy background, the yucky stuff, but rather it is focused on what's important in life right now.

And right now, that's sitting next to Henry and learning the letters in his name.  It's about reading with Charley.  It's nursing Sydney and wandering the house just talking to her about the rain pitter pattering outside.  It's about sitting down as a family for dinner and all being upstairs during the bedtime shenanigans (which have settled a bit).  It's about going to bed by 9:30 and getting a good 8 hours of sleep.  It's about indulging in jelly beans, a yummy coffee, or a Dr. Pepper because, damn it, my body is working hard these days helping this little miracle plump up like a dumpling.  It's about calling or emailing a friend to stay in touch and see how their day is going.

It's about knowing that the days are long but the years are short - so I better notice the days and suck every last bit of joy out of them.

This afternoon Charley's playdate friend was about to get picked up and I knew that he was going to fall apart and be overwhelmed with the end of such a fun friend experience.  I called a friend to share the anxiety that was building in me.  I was literally feeling shaky worrying about how I would get through the 2 hours before Ed arrived home.  I just wanted it to go smooth and happy.  All that worrying - most likely for nothing.  Since I focused on the important stuff we got dinner made while the boys sat nearby working on tasks with my help.  Focus.  I just need to create the focus that works for the moment.   And that focus was keeping the boys busy while getting dinner ready.  It wasn't the laundry baskets ready to be folded or the toys strewn about the house. 

So, this evening as I enjoyed my first glass of wine in over a year.  And I sat with my hiccuping little bean sleeping peacefully in the bassinet.  And I thought - what a good day it was...I realized it was all because I focused on the right stuff.

So hears to focusing on the "right stuff"!   

And since I am posting this tomorrow, or rather today....

If you took a picture of your day...what would be the focus of the shot?

Is it the messy...is it your catch up day for laundry and house tasks?  We all need to focus on this too so we can relax and really focus on the important stuff.

Do you have a sitter and you are out getting yourself a pedicure or haircut? Always good to focus some time on yourself.  Mama's are never in the pictures enough.

Or are you sitting down on the floor and playing Candyland for the 5th time without falling asleep?

Do share!

Going from 2 to 3

Lately I am asked the question, "How is it going? How are you adjusting to 3?" many times a day. And I have engaged in email and verbal conversations about the transition from 1 to 2 compared to 2 to 3.

Before number three was on it's way - momss of three assured me that three is a lot of work. However, the transition from 1 to 2 was WAY harder than going from 2 to 3. All their reasons made sense. So I felt confident that this transition wasn't going to be completely horrendous.

I have a few friends thinking about having two or fresh into being moms of two. And I remember all the feelings and struggles that came along with going from 1 child to 2 children. A few random thoughts that come back full force when I think about it...

-Bedtime means chaos if I am on my own putting both of them to bed. It also means there no longer is the luxury of Ed taking Monday nights and I take Tuesday nights. Now we are both on duty every night - if we want it to go smoothest. The first couple weeks when we had Henry I remember Ed had to work late. So I survived by asking our neighbor girl to come over and read with Charley or help with Henry so I wasn't on my own with bedtime.

-Nursing, to begin with meant I had to manage the proper latch while also playing candyland, reading books, or doing a puzzle. There was no more sitting on the couch all afternoon staring into my little miracles eyes. No, the new reality...when baby was sleeping I was fully engaged in playing cars. And when baby was awake and nursing I was having to juggle another little one's need for entertainment. Our first, Charley, didn't play well on his own. He was needy.

- The guilt. It was immense. I felt like I wasn't bonding enough with baby but also neglecting my first. I couldn't manage it all. I didn't have energy or the positive attitude to always creatively juggle it all. Friends would say, the TV is going to be on a little more, and that is okay. And slowly, I realized that for this time period in our life, I was in survival mode. And a little more TV was okay. We all survived. And many of days - survival was achieved with far less issues because we snuggled and watched an extra episode of Max and Ruby.

- Going out and about meant not only lugging that awful car seat and diaper bag...but now you were managing to hold hands with a 2 or 3 year old. And they didn't always want to walk the direction you were hoping for. Getting through Target with two chances of breakdowns meant gritting your teeth and praying a little more profusely.

And the list goes on...

Going from 1 to 2 really is more overwhelming. And it is okay to feel it. And it is so important to vent, talk, and ask for help from those friends who offer.

Now, I am in the midst of transitioning from 2 to 3. I am smitten with little Miss Sydney. I am so glad we expanded our family from 4 to 5. I can tell the adventures she is going to bring into our lives will be life altering and amazing. I am already getting to see a daddy become daddy to a daughter. I am so honored to watch Henry become a big brother. And I can think about some of the experiences that come along with girls that I will get to experience as a mother to a daughter.

I am finding that I don't jump at her cries. Don't get me wrong, I completely respond when she is calling, but just not at the first little peep or squeak. And amazingly, sometimes she settles and finds her own solutions.

I am finding that snuggling her and letting her sleep on me is not stressing me out. With the other two I always had in my head that I might be starting a habit that will kick me in the butt down the line. Now I know that this teeny tiny stage is just that - so teeny tiny in the grand scheme of life. And I am soaking up just a little bit more.

The boys are brothers and best friends. And because of this they entertain each other so that I can snuggle her, change her diaper, or nurse her for hours and hours during the day without feeling AS MUCH guilt.

We are already both parenting all the time. No one is really off duty. So adding another little to our bedtime, bath time, or bundling up to get out of the house routines isn't too big of a deal.

I have two runners...so when I call for a burp rag, nuk, diaper, or blanket...if one isn't in the mood to help, there is a grand chance that the other one is very anxious to please. Lovely!

Overall, I can tell I am just plain more relaxed and confident in lots of the little things that for number one, and even number two, caused me a lot more anxiety. And being relaxed about some of those little things allows the bigger things to be a little more manageable.

Am I still stressed over the amount of sleep, what she needs when she is crying, how to make dinner while also nursing her, how to get everyone bathed and fed and out the door in the morning on time, how to juggle a butt that needs to be wiped (Henry) while having a little girl attached to my boob, when is the safest time to grab a quick shower, and the list goes on? Yes, all of this still overwhelms me.

I am so blessed to have a pretty content little lady. Who has been a pretty decent sleeper and napper. I have a better half that is so supportive and helpful in this journey called parenthood. I have two glorious big boys who love each other and entertain each other for huge amounts each day. I have friends who check in, pop over, and offer to help every chance they get. And I have family that is so excited about this new family member. And because of all of this...I think I can agree, at least at this point, that going from 1 to 2 was WAY more overwhelming than going from 2 to 3.

Mothering ebbs and flows.  Everything happens in stages and phases.  It is overwhelming with 1, 2, 3, 4, or 19! 

So what do you think?  Was it more challenging becoming a parent?  Going from 1 to 2? or 2 to 3?

Do you realize...

Do you ever have moments when you realize that you are an adult?
That the halls you walk down at your job are real?  You have a purpose?

Do you have a living space (whether it be an apartment, townhouse, or house) that is yours?
Do you look around and think, my kids are going to remember this place, this home, and these house furnishings as their home?

Do you realize that the traditions you start and carry on are the ones they will decide to continue or disregard later in life?

Do you realize that the things you say and do give your children the foundation for where they begin as little human beings and from that foundation they will build their life?...and do you pray that they let you be apart of it?

Do you realize that you make the meals that will be their favorites or the ones they crave when they think of "home" are what you make often?

I have moments where I realize that the "mama!"  "mama."  "Mom"  that is being repeated 100s to 1000s of times a day is meant for me.  That I am the person who has this role and this responsibility. 

It is enormous.
It is big.
It is the job that I should take the most pride in during my lifetime.
And even if things seem like sacrifices from time to time...or if things are so crazy at times that I think I am losing my footing and am missing all that is important....
I am not. 
Because the journey is in the ride and the ride includes each emotion, mood, and feeling.  It includes each experience.  And boy, realizing that from time to time is overwhelming.

So as I walk back from getting the mail at dusk, and I see the house lights lit and the little heads bebopping by the front window.  Stepping inside I hear "MAMA!  LOOK AT!" with the quiet piano music in the background and the rice meatballs simmering on the stove...I will pause and just take it in.  I am a mom.  A real mom.  A real wife.  And this is my life.  And it is good. 


**The two links about sacrifices and crazy up above in the post are posts that I LOVED this week.

Making it last...

 This morning I woke up in a quiet house to full blown WINTER.

Recently, my sister wrote a blog post about visiting my grandpa with my brother and others. They went with the intention of interviewing him. They asked him all sorts of questions - for which he answered or couldn't answer.  I cried while reading her post because I missed being there.  Granted, if I had been there with my clan things would have been more chaotic.  But the moments of hearing those details must have been amazing.

In her post she wrote:

During a quiet time my brother said to all of us "see, this is why you should write about your life". It totally clicked with me. Even if you don't think you have done anything special or out of the ordinary with your life (no matter how old you are), someone will want to know about it. You may have children, grandchildren or great grandchildren who won't be able to picture the life we now lead in 20-60 years. We may forget the mundane or normal things we do each day that would seem so interesting to our family in years to come. Those details that we will probably forget could paint images of our past for those in our future. Even the little things such as favorite meals, what you would do with an extra $100, what the Holiday's were like and what your cell phone was able to do for you.

When I read this I realized why I blog.  I started out just playing around with the whole blog thing.  And then I shared it with family.  And I realized how quickly and easily I could take a little conversation, an outfit, a moment of my life or my boys life, and I could jot it down to better remember - to make it last. 

I have had friends who have said things about how my boys aren't going to read all of these blogs - and I let that statement sink in, my heart a little heavy, and then I thought about it more and I have a feeling that in the not to far off future my boys are going to love going through my blog and reading about all the little things they have grown up learning, doing, experiencing. 

Not to be a downer, but I also think, if something were to happen to me, I love knowing that they can look back at this blog and read it and hear my voice.  They can hear my struggles, my joys, and my thoughts on motherhood. 

I think of the future and ponder the idea of a daughter-in-law who would find it interesting to know the little details of how their Love grew up.  I know I love hearing and seeing glimpses of where Ed came from.

Blogging for me has become a place where I can find the moment(s) during the day that I want to remember, forget, change, grow from, share, reflect on, and know that in a year or 10 years I can go back and maybe remember a little better. 

 I think I will remember the little things that my boys do and say, or how they say or do something, but there is so much and so many stages.  So I blog so I can remember. 

This post titled Realizing Life said,

The next day I moved through the house with different eyes. I saw the busy hum of what we were about with fleeting but tangible beauty. It won’t last - can’t last - and will be gone before I know it. So I began to make note of things I saw, felt, and cherished. A scrap of paper here, a note on my calendar there, and some plinking away on the keyboard at day’s end. It took some time. But how could I not? Writing it down makes it last.


Blogging helps me feel like it will last. 

 

Just a little

So my mom is flying here to visit this evening. Ed will pick her up from the airport after working a really long day...my pregnant self will try to stay awake for her late arrival, but it might not make it. I know she would rather have me well rested than up and then crabby tomorrow. So we'll see.

The other day we were talking about how she hasn't seen the boys since the last week in July and she just can't wait to see and hear the boys chatter. She reminded me how in July, Henry would process so much in his head of what he wanted to say, but then it would jumble all up for the first chunk of what he was saying and it would come out a mess. The thought would finish clearly but the first part was a mumble mash of cute-ness.

Shockingly, I realized that I had forgotten how he used to do that. And he doesn't do it anymore. He can process his thoughts and express them rather clearly now. And my heart races, my stomach drops, and I have one more thing to lay awake realizing. Time is flying.

A few friends/family have emailed about my post about our Halloween, to inform me that our "little one" will be big enough to dress up and ride in the wagon. I know. I know. But I don't want to rush the thought of the baby being already a tot at Halloween. I do realize it - I have even thought out the costumes for it's first 3 years. We even joked this weekend that next year we will throw the little bean a piece of licorice to pacify him/her during the trick or treat journey. I DO get it.

But the hormonal pregnant mama just wants it to slow down. And there is a GOOD chance that our third will not walk at 9 months. And when dusk hits and the trick or treat journey begins we will strap that little one to us in a backpack or front carrier and set off. You never know!

Henry is the one these days that leaves me pausing and realizing how fast time is going. Charley is growing up too but the pace seems to have slowed now that he has hit Kindergarten.

Today Henry brought snack for his class. He was so proud. His teacher was laughing how he would stand up during the snack time and look around and make sure everyone was eating and enjoying. He even said to her that everyone liked the cookies. And when we reunited he told me, "Mama, my friends like the cookies I brought. cheese too!" He is so big.

And this afternoon they are both cranky but yet those darn art boxes we bought on Monday are still "THE" toy to play with. They have journeyed down to our newly cleaned up kid play area in the basement, they have music playing, and are puttering around with things. I am left realizing that my boys can play without their mama watching every move they make.

I look at my niece Morgan and my nephew Eli and think...they just turned 1...and a year from now we will be verging on our third miracle turning 1. It is going to go even faster than Charley and Henry's first year. I can feel it.

SLOW DOWN! And maybe that is why I am hesitating these days to set up play dates and exciting outings in the afternoon. By staying home, and letting them putter in the basement, cozy on the couch watching a cartoon together, baking pumpkin bars with me, playing Candy land...I can MAYBE, just MAYBE, slow it down a little bit.

Just a little.

The days are long...the years short

I have heard this phrase and lately it socks me in the gut and causes me moments of pause. 2 years ago we were awaiting Charley's first preschool experience. Look at this little guy!

Next week we will journey into the big time.  Kindergarten!  Very exciting for all of us.  I will adjust to having Charley away and independent 5 mornings a week.  Henry will adjust to having some one on one time with mama.  Daddy will deal with the ups and downs we all have as we settle into this new routine.

Last night we visited Charley's school to meet his teacher, drop off supplies, and tour the school.

He was pumped.  I felt ready and actually had all his school supplies packed and ready to go.  Daddy arrived home and we all headed out.

 The back of the school

Reality hit me as I stepped into his classroom.

I realized at that moment that it wasn't so much that Charley was heading into his school career...but stepping into the classroom made me realize how much I missed the part of me that occupied a classroom much like Mrs. S's.  The calendar on the wall.  The little tables.  The locker name tags.  I loved this time of the year.  The smell of the new school supplies.  And when the little girl came up to Mrs. S and said "Bye, teacher." I had to use everything in me to keep from sobbing.  I miss it all...meeting the moms and dads but mostly the little people that are so excited for the year ahead.

The rest of the open house felt like I was in a daze.  I think back and was so glad Ed was there to keep an eye on Charley and Henry.  I took in the surroundings, the handwriting on the name tags, all these little things.  But when it came time to talk to Mrs. S I froze up and forgot all the questions or things I was going to say.  Charley spoke with her for a moment but he was a typical little boy and seemed distracted.

She seems wonderful and I don't doubt he is going to have a blessed year.  Walking out of the school everything that I was going to ask flooded back.  So she will get an email or I am going to jot my questions down so I don't forget next week when we see her for his kindergarten assessment.

We walked to dinner at a nearby restaurant and Charley was buzzing with all the little things he had noticed.  He had seen neighbors in nearby classrooms (I didn't see them).  He had noticed the pink and blue bathroom passes and knew the bathroom wasn't in the classroom.  I loved hearing what he saw and what he had figured out.  During dinner I burst into tears when I read that his sharing day was Tuesdays.  This is how the conversation went:

Me:  Crying
Ed:  What!  What's wrong?
Me:  Nothing.
Ed:  What's wrong?
Me:  I just miss it.  And I am not ready to not know what he is doing EVERY day for half the day.
Ed:  Isn't it only 2 hours and 45 minutes.  That isn't even half a day.  Really?  2 hours and 45 minutes.
Me:  Laughing!  Okay, you are right.

Ed knows me well.  He then went into explaining that with walking to school and picking him up, Henry and I will have just about 2 hours to spend together.  Hardly enough to do much.  Thanks honey that is a little depressing in a different way.  HA!  He also reminded me I can volunteer and go in and see Charley in action.

It was the fact that Charley's sharing day is Tuesday mornings that hit me.  I want to hear him share...what is he going to tell...even though on the way to school on Tuesdays we will probably discuss what he is going to share.  Anyways, it is the EVERY day thing that is causing me anxiety.  It isn't the amount of time everyday.  It is just that EVERY day he will head out.

So good.
He is so ready.
And I will be too as soon as we get into a routine and Henry has adjusted.
It is time.
But still so much to absorb.

The days are long but the years are short.  And I just can't believe that his first 5 years of life are over and he is heading out to become his own person.  I have a feeling we have raised him to soar and he is going to head off on Thursday without hesitation.  As parents, Ed and I will begin being more on the reactive end of parenting.  Dealing with the things he comes home with...language, behaviors, habits, wants, and wishes.  We will run into people at Target and reality will smack us in the face when he knows someone that we don't know.  He is going to become his own person.

But it is time for him to take this step...

And Charley informed me at dinner that when the baby is ready for school then I can go back to school too.  Awwww, thanks little man! 

...today's thoughts...

My mom wrote me and my sister an email this week reminding us not to wish away the long summer days, the warm weather, and the other things this season gives us. My sister and I have mentioned looking forward to fall. I know that summer is a wonderful time, long sunshine filled days. Temperatures that are mostly delightful to be outside exploring and adventuring. Without the school year routine we have the freedom to go to the pool or the zoo while leaving the breakfast dishes piled on the counter and the laundry heaped on the floor. In the evening when it is getting long as we wait for the infamous daddy to arrive home we can putter around outside (yesterday each boy enjoyed 10 waterballons for about 2 minutes but the schnibbles floating in the kiddie pool and nets kept them busy for an hour).

However, the more I talk to moms you can tell by their tone, their faces, their energy, their hair (mainly mine..because it is covered in a hat most days), that it is time for a change in routine. This mom describes how all good things must come to an end and the end of summer is welcomed in her house. The lack of routine, the long hot days, the abundant time with family is starting to wear on everyone. She describes using the word NO far to often and the requests that aren't even normal demands her children make.

So even though I am not looking forward to the extremely long winter that stretches out before us with temperatures that keep us in doors and wishing for hot summer days again...I am looking forward to darker evenings so lamps can be lit, piano music can play, cookies can be baked, the crock pot can be simmering, and the boys are tired from a different kind of routine.

 Today we spent the morning at the pool and as I watched the boys I realized that I'm Going to Miss This. Charley was happier than a clam in the water and Henry too was splashing and jumping and totally happy. I sat there and just watched and couldn't believe the happiness that a blue sky summer morning at a sparkling pool can bring to two little boys. And someday I will drop them off with their friends and try and keep busy while they explore a local pool or water park. But watching them lay out on the towels today, side by side with their little buddies, eating gold fish crackers and not worrying about anything in life...I realized that these are some of the best days of my life. And I will look back and miss them. Go here to read a wonderful reminder that all moms parents need to remember.

So we will relish these next two weeks of summer and we will also anticipate the arrival of a new season and a new routine.  One of the wonderful benefits of living in the Midwest is that just as a season is starting to get long - a new season starts to arrive and one's energy is rejuvenated.  Summer days - stretch out these next two weeks and fill them with bliss.  Autumn - we are ready for you to fall upon us with your cooler temps, shorter days, and crunching leaves. 

Rainbows won't wait

For my birthday my mom and dad sent me a birthday card and inside my mom wrote this quote.  It is one that will be a daily reminder for me. 

Dr. Mom

As moms when our children leave us puzzled by some little ailment it leaves us with bags under our eyes as we lay awake trying to figure it out, a few extra tubes of this and that in our medicine drawer/cupboard, it monopolizes conversations with friends, and causes us to take breaks from reality to sit in waiting rooms and ask the "experts"....

These days there is so much info out there on the internet that as mothers we can freak ourselves out diagnosing rashes, coughs, and different colored poop. It is a gift but also probably a stresser. It amazes me the moms I come across in my life who share their experiences where they solved their own little medical mysteries by changing a little thing here or there.

Last week one of the blogs I follow shared her daughters "Milk butt" issues. Truly frightening that she figured out how to rid her daughter of the "milk butt" symptoms just by thinking outside of the box...or rather thinking about what is inside the jug of milk.

As mom's we need to remember to trust our instincts and when I hear little stories like this it reminds me that even though I NEVER hesitate to run my boys into the doctor's office...there are so many little things to try and alter that can impact our children, without smearing chemicals or serving them up doses of man made medicine.

Find out tomorrow what Soy Sauce can do for you!

Tag-a-long errand runners

We need milk...and eggs, bread, fruit...etc.

We have books to drop off and pick up at the library.

A carwash would be great.

The list goes on.

And most days I think...ugh, here we go..running errands with the boys.  Joy.

But really. 

My boys are joy. 

This little fellow sits beside me during Charley's 50 minute swimming lessons every morning for the last 4 weeks.  He chats, snacks, and keeps me company. 

How can I complain?

I shouldn't. 

He also takes my hand after JUMPING out of the car and reaching up to proudly close his door

ALL. BY. HIMSELF.

He holds my hand without asking or complaining.  Blessed.

And the time will come - I am sure sooner than I can imagine.  When I will reach for his hand and he will be 10 steps ahead.  Or even worse, they will both stay home and yes, errands will get accomplished a hundred times faster with far less gritting of my teeth. 

But for today I will remember that having these little tag-a-longs, who occasionally ask for a certain box of snacks or cereal, are a gift. 

They are company. 

They are my side kicks. 

And next summer I will have 3, yes THREE, little helpers. 

Life is good...even when I have put off our grocery run until after naps...which means that for lunch we will have some very random items from the pantry. 

Finding the balance in waiting

When Charley was born there was no question that our love would be enough. It would overflow. He would be surrounded by it from near and far. He would experience life at a pace that we chose. He was our first go at this thing called 'parenting.'

Then along came number two....Hank. Charley was so excited to be a big brother. We talked it up. He knew what a big responsibility it would be at the age of 3. And when Henry arrived Charley quickly learned that his life had changed...  But he now had to share his mommy and daddy.

Ed and I knew we had to be careful how we transitioned from being a family of three to a family of four. Best advice - let baby wait from time to time and give Charley the opportunity to hear us say, "Just a moment Henry, I am reading with Charley right now." Letting Charley know that Henry had to wait too was so important. It was very easy to jump at Henry's cries and needs...but knowing that Charley needed to feel like he wasn't the one who always had to wait was key.

Charley transitioned to big brother so wonderfully but the focus in the back of my mind was to make sure that the baby didn't leave Charley waiting ALL. THE. TIME....waiting while I nursed, waiting while I changed the 10th diaper for the day, waiting while I rocked, bounced, or sat still letting that new little miracle sleep on my warm beating chest. The transition of a second child has to be done with a balance that takes time to get right.

Now, two years in I see the balance I have to find is different.

The other day we had swim lessons - I signed up both boys. I would get in the pool with Henry while Charley was being an independent fish. However, Henry had a little cold and so we decided for the first lesson we would sit out...Henry sat - waiting, and patiently watching his big brother - excited to swim himself ....someday (since he doesn't get that in a week he will get to go too).

That morning Charley had a field trip to the zoo. Grandma was here so she went along to chaperon and Henry and I wandered in the distance. We watched Charley board the bus and Henry took off when I glanced away - strutting proudly towards the bus. When I asked him where he was going he said, "Me ride bus too!" Here again I had to explain that he had to wait.

When Charley was trying on his soccer shoes, Henry enthusiastically was so excited for his big brother. He found some shoes that became his "soccer" shoes and he said, "soccer too!" Here AGAIN I had to explain that he would play, when he older.

The balance I strive to find these days is one that let's Henry shine with his own experiences in the world. It is hard because the second isn't content waddling the yard with a ball or bubbles...the second wants to ride the scooter at the age of 2 (which Henry CAN do quite well). The second isn't content playing with a rattle or wooden blocks....the second masters the names of all the Star Wars characters before he can make 3 word phrases.

Letting the second be his own person happens a lot quicker but he is still our baby. He still finds joy in bubbles with Grandma, rocking before bedtime, and seeing what each day brings. But his instinct is to climb on that scooter, to fight for the cool Transformer toy, and TRY to sit in the big boy booster seat in the backseat of the car (even when mama says NOT YET!).

The balance is now making life just as exciting for the two year old as the 5 year old who is riding buses, heading out to soccer practice, having playdates, and riding a bike down the road.

My boys are great brothers and that makes finding the balance a little easier because they find joy in spending time together - which ultimately makes life perfect in their eyes. Charley probably doesn't remember a time when his little brother wasn't there to play with, talk to, and "deal" with. They will know each other longer than any other relationship in their lives. And so as the mother I strive to offer balance while they wait for their turn in life, so that their relationship is strong, healthy, and secure. Their life is NOW and making the now special for their TODAYS is my goal.

Love is an amazing thing - it grows, expands, and balances the world so everything is just right as it keeps spinning round.

This post is linked to Steady Mom's 30-minute blog challenge.


This post is linked to New Friend Friday and Friday Follow.

Rainy Day Reminders

Today the rain came down and the grass went from somewhat green to bright spring green!  It is like magic.  On rainy days I usually take my boys out to rescue worms (and I do this with them if we have little girls over too...why can't little girls help save the worms?).  So today we all three put on our rainboots.  Charley grabbed his cute frog umbrella and Henry borrowed my umbrella. 

We walked the streets...and found no worms today!  But we did find some puddles.  The boys jumped, splashed, and Charley and I made up songs about the rain. 

While walking along the curb...right there where Charley was jumping high...up there in the lower right hand picture, I  realized how little he is.  SO MUCH SMALLER THAN A GIGANTIC WHITE (I MEAN ALL WHITE) RECYCLING GARBAGE TRUCK.  Yes, I am yelling.  Yesterday on our little cul-de-sac of a road, a neighbor friend came around the corner (off another cul-de-sac) and was so busy texting that she ran smack into the backend of a recycyling truck that was stopped picking up garbage!  The truck was enormous.  It was white!  It was stopped.  And her little car was securly wedged underneath the backend of the truck.   The gal who was driving was pregnant...and upset...I could tell as I drove past...probably between the ages of 18-22.

So today, as I slowly wandered the rainy street with my boys I realized...if she didn't see the massive recycling truck...she would NEVER have seen either of my little boys...or myself.

PUT DOWN YOUR PHONES!  Don't let some silly little text or email....distract you for even a second.  Because, I am guessing that the email or text or whatever, isn't life changing...but what it distracts you from doing safely....now that could change your life - and someone else's for forever.

I am glad that the young pregnant gal was okay, at least it looked like she was.  And I hope that this little reminder that could have turned out sooooo much worse...will leave a more lasting impact on her life - more than the inconvience of a wrecked car or a bigger insurance payment.  I know it will stay in my mind.   

I'm just sayin'

As mothers/parents we are so aware of firsts...

first smiles

first teeth

first steps

first time rolling over

first experience with snow

first time on an airplane

first cracker

first illness

first, first first.....

But I was thinking...do we get the luxury of taking in the last...
When I weaned my boys I know I was aware that it was ending and I remember thinking, take in this moment - it might be the last.  But then they were weaned and I couldn't really remember the last time.

I think the last is almost more significant because it is what causes you to stop, catch your breath, and feel a little uneasy - realizing the time flying by and the reality that they don't snuggle with a bottle, or take your hand crossing the street.

Henry's vocabulary and speech is taking off...he is starting to speak more and more in phrases. And the days of one word attempts is coming to a close. Soon everything he says will be identifiable by strangers.   There won't be cute formations of sounds and letters to bring meaning to his exploration.  Will I realize that he no longer says, "puter" but instead says "computer" or "mood" instead of "move".   I know I won't realize when they call me mama for the last time and instead call me mom.  I will just all of a sudden be 'mom'.   I wish a little warning signal would sound so I could take these 'last' moments in.

Although it is probably good that these moments pass us by.  Because the times when I sit and try to remember happen every once in a while and the "ding ding ding" reminder would probably be going off every few minutes - since they are changing so often. 

I'm just saying...will I realize the last time....

-my boys ask me for a snack and don't just go help themselves.

- they play in the sandbox.

-ask for a push on the swing.

-need me to cut up their food or pour their milk.

-a kiss will cure an injury.

-and so on .....

What "last" are you dreading?  Or what "last" do you wish you remembered better?

This post is part of Shell's Pour Your Heart bloghop.  Head here for more gal's pouring their hearts out.