The Tough Stuff #2 - Seeing your Child

This is part of my series on the Tough Stuff that keeps me up at night...wondering, worrying, and thinking out.  Afraid that I might screw it up...this crazy job of being a mom. 

Last night a friend shared that Oprah's LifeClass show was going to have a parenting part. So I taped it and watched. She talked about the time when Toni Morrison spoke about her eyes lighting up when her children walked in the room. How as a mother she had a tendency to look at her kids with a critical eye rather than a loving eye....are their pants zipped, is their hair combed, is their nose wiped, is their face clean, did they do their chores, are they being too loud or making too much of a mess. She had two parents reflect on the impact that moment on her show had on their parenting. It was a GREAT reminder.

Children need and want to be seen and heard. And I will admit that I get busy checking my email, making dinner, changing Sydney's diaper.... and I realize that one of the boys was literally bouncing next to me telling me something - and I missed it. I will admit to saying yes and then moments later after hearing them celebrate, say, "Wait! what did I say yes to?"

Multitasking is a mama's greatest talent but sometimes we forget that multitasking, no matter how productive it can be, can take you away from the most important job as a parent, and that is making your child feel loved, important, and seen.

All people want to be seen.
All people want to know they are valued.

 Children have an amazing ability to read your facial expressions, and if they aren't seeing your face when they are excitedly telling you about the Lego ship they just built, well that says a lot.

What children see reflected in our eyes is how they feel about themselves. - Power of Moms retreat take away moment.

Charley I see you.  I see the strong reader you are becoming.  I see the smart thinker you are.  I see when you are tired and we have overdone the fun.  I see the thrill of becoming a boyscout.  I see you taking your brother's hand, naturally.  I see your excited good morning that you give your little sister.  I see how you help zip Henry's jacket, run and get a diaper, and help when we are all getting out the door on time.  I see how you eat all your food at meal time.  I see how you find so much joy in your friend time.  I see how you yearn for more independence and how wise you are when we give it to you.  I see that you are growing up WAY faster than I can handle.

Henry I see you.  I see the adoration you have for your big brother.  I see the love you have for your little sister and how you can lay your head in her lap and let her explore your face for hours.  I see your need for touch, whether it is when the hug you desire when you are hurt, the need to romp with your brother or your dad, or the tendency to grab onto my leg in new situations.  I see your excitement for the time with your grandparents.  I see how you love up your little cousins.  I see how you are growing up so fast - heck your shoe size is WAY bigger than Charley's was when he was your age.  You are your own little person and your pride is amazing when you do things independently.

Sydney I see you.  I see your fascination for your big brothers.  I see how the world has expanded and you are ready to explore.  I see how you LOVE to eat avocados and bananas and sweet potatoes with your little pinching fingers.  I see you waving to me, saying "HI MOM!"  I see how excited you are to see me whether I return from another room or from behind the peekaboo blanket.  However, I also see how even more excited you are when you see daddy walk in the door at night.  I see you my dear, how fast this year has gone and how I want to slow down time so much more these days. 

So today, I challenge you to see your children.
See their little beings that have only been in the world for 9 months, 3 years, or 7 years. Realize that YOU are the most important person to them right now - and that won't be the case if they don't feel important and loved.  Realize that you do impact who they grow up to be and how they grow up to feel. 

Share something you see about your children today.

The Tough Stuff - careful praise

The Tough Stuff will be a new series of posts covering some parenting thoughts that are hard for me.  The things I lose sleep over.  The things I am afraid will screw up my kids.  The things that I, myself, don't always know how I feel about.  Maybe processing them here and hearing your thoughts will bring me a sense of peace.

This past fall sport season Charley tried something new.  Even though I LOVE watching him play soccer and I fear the idea of football, I was excited that he had the confidence to try something new.  So we went for it.  Towards the end of the season he said, "I wonder if I will get a trophy for football."  In t-ball and soccer he received a trophy at the end of each season.  Just. for. playing.

Hmmmm, this idea of a trophy gets me so agitated.  And so this time I honestly responded, "I hope not."  He looked at me shocked.  I explained how he has received trophies just for playing soccer and t-ball.  And he should be proud for playing all these seasons, he had fun, learned lots, and grew as a player -but when I was growing up a trophy was saved for the BIG win or the MVP player.  It was earned.  It was not just given because you signed up.  He paused.  He agreed.  And at the end of the football season...there was no trophy or ribbon or certificate.  Does he want to play again - you bet.  Did he need to get the trophy - I guess not.  He didn't even comment that he didn't get one.

I know the trophy made him super excited.  But as his mom, I worry that by getting a trophy just for being on the team and playing his best - sets him up to expect a trophy every season.  And at some point things will get more competitive and his team won't get the trophy.  So why set them up for the trophy at the age of 5.

And quite honestly, I have NO IDEA where and what to do with all the trophies.

 As I watch Charley grow as a learner, reader, thinker, athlete and school boy I work hard to use the language that will inspire hard work.  Saying things like "Wow, I can tell you worked hard at that."  Instead of "great job." or "You're so smart."  Kids can tell when your comments are sincere and if they mean the real deal.  When I was teaching we had many workshops on teacher language and now as a parent I can see it can also be called parenting language. 

I am careful not to use general phrases that just boost Charley's ego.   I want him to be able to identify what my praise is directed at...or better yet...offer questions that cause the praise to come out of his own mouth...

Example, "Wow Charley, what is your favorite part?  What part did you work hardest on?  Tell me about your work?"  Instead of just saying, "Great picture."  Because kids are smart.  They know when the person across the table can read, write, draw, or color better than them.  And they will quickly be able to identify the genuine praise that shares truth. 

This goes for Henry.  When the boys are coloring side by side...if they have both drawn pictures of pumpkins and I say good job to both of them...they can figure out that one of them did an overall better job than the other.  So instead I can tell Charley "WOW!  The eyes on your pumpkin are super scary."  And I can tell Henry, "Crazy orange.  You used so much crazy orange."  Then they can sit and take in your comment and feel so proud of their picture.  I have seen them do this.  Sit and look and take in what I have said.

I do not want Charley to start placing things he has to learn into two categories...things that he is smart at and come naturally and  things that he isn't smart at and are too hard.  I want instead for him to recognize the things that come easily and be driven to work hard to master the things that are new, challenging, and awesome.  I want him to choose the harder task because he isn't afraid of failing and he is inspired to succeed.  I want him to try new things instead of playing it safe so he gets the trophy. 

It is hard.  And I have not mastered parenting language.  I say, "Great job kiddo" way too often.  I forget.  But I try.  I challenge myself to think more about how I speak to my children about their accomplishments.   And I am GLAD that he didn't get a trophy for playing football this year - because honestly, I don't think he caught the dang ball one time.  And that's okay.  He had a blast and wants to do it again.      

Deliberate praise.  I wish someone could sit on my shoulder and give me some praise each time I am deliberate about my parenting language.