Monday, January 14, 2013
"I just want you to be happy."
A statement Ed has said to me lately...maybe in moments when I am frustrated with the kids.
And it isn't always the kids that I am frustrated with.
Sometimes I think I am just frustrated that I can't place myself in what I should be doing on a Saturday afternoon. Given my "work week" takes place in my weekend zone too. It is hard to transition.
Should I be cleaning, playing, organizing, adventuring, planning, cooking, doing something that I have wanted to tackle. OR maybe it is not getting out of this home space.
He says, "GO!" Go workout, go shop, go to a movie with a friend."
But I am not always sure that is what I want to do either.
Sometimes it is just being home with the pitter putter of our little crew playing around -- that's what I want.
I think I worry and over-think his weekends too, and know that he should be working on our upstairs bathroom that has been torn out for two years. Or down in the basement making himself a space that he is inspired to work on stuff. Afternoon naps in front of a football game are good for his soul too. I ask him too, "Are you happy?" demanding, "You need a hobby." encouraging him, "Get together with your buddies."
That's pressure when you start to analyze your happiness, or someone else's.
Sometimes, when I over-think things, I feel like I am failing when I don't want to sit on the floor and build legos or play a board game with the kids. I feel like I am not exposing them to the weekend adventures that others are out having...or it seems they are having, when we stay put and don't conquer museums etc.
But at this stage, I really do think it is okay to have lazy days where we are in our pjs all day. Going from one thing to the next. It isn't our season to be reflooring our house or mastering do it yourself projects...because who is going to watch the kids while we work together.
Syd's favorite person right now is daddy. The boys count down until Friday when they know daddy will be home for a few days. So to think of him going and working in the basement or bathroom for hours and not giving our kiddos the gift of their daddy makes me feel like we are making the right decision. I know we are. We will get that bathroom finished, eventually.
This weekend they worked on wood projects, the boys and their daddy. They got their pinewood derby cars prepped for the big derby this coming weekend. We went out for dinner. Last weekend they skied most of the day. Ed ran errands so I could clean...making it possible that we could have friends over these last couple Saturday evenings.
Did Ed build something with his wood working tools that he is quickly accumulating? Did I get to a photography class or workout? Did our bathroom renovation progress?
And that's okay.
Happiness is a hard thing to pinpoint and sometimes a hard feeling to understand.
I like to think in terms of contentment. Am I feeling grace for a healthy family that spends time under one roof "happy."? MOST DEFINITELY. There is an amazing feeling of peace ringing in the new year with my husband (at midnight) just hanging out together. I like to focus on the joy and the feeling that this is where I want to be, next to this man, in this house, with these kiddos, relishing this season of life...and going out shopping or to a movie isn't really where I want to be.
It is right here.
In my slippers.
Sipping coffee from a maker that doesn't leak (finally).
Getting the kids to bed smoothly so we can snuggle up to watch Downton Abby together.
And being thankful that he is aware of my interests and time and I am aware of his. And trying to perfect the balance of giving each other what we need. Given that our small tribe can push both our buttons and suck some of the joy out of lazy Saturday mornings...when they are bickering, jumping on couches, and whining.
I'm happy. I most definitely am, but I am also thankful, joyful, at peace, and content.
Do you worry about your spouses happiness? yours?
at 1:12 PM Posted by For the Love of Naps - Sarah