Monday, January 23, 2012

children get older

Oh, mirror in the sky
What is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changin' ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?
I don't know

Well, I've been afraid of changin'
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older too.

Landslide - Fleetwood Mac
I just can't shake it.
The sad feeling.
Maybe it isn't sad.
Yep, it's sad.
Miss Syd is our last.

And last year at this time we were once again in awe of the miracle of 10 perfect toes.
Skin to skin.
Quiet moments mixed with the excitement of her meeting those we love most.

We fumbled once again through those beginning hours when you panic and wonder if you need the nurse to help change the diaper or listen to her breathe.

But the biggest thing that makes me sad today...
NEVER again will I wonder if we are having a boy or girl.
I won't ponder names with Ed and get to tell my mom and sister the name we chose.

If you get the chance to have a baby, because I know that in itself  is such a gift and not always a given.
But if you do, I can not speak enough about the amazing experience of wonder it is when you wait to find out the sex of your baby.

The moment when the doc lifted Miss Sydney up and Ed looked at me and it was a girl.
She was a girl.
or He was a boy.
Remarkable. moments.
It leaves everyone anticipating.
It leaves you so excited and on edge those last couple weeks when you are so uncomfortable.
There are VERY few things in life - none really, that are truly a secret.
And if I could make the choice for others I would choose surprise everytime.

I know that it isn't a choice that everyone chooses.
But today, as I sit here kind of teary about being done with "baby" days. 
I really am so glad that all three of our little tribe members were TOTAL surprises.
And that is one of the things I am most sad to be done with.
The wonder, anticipation, and surprise.

I am so grateful to have Miss Sydney in our lives.
And maybe it is completely wrong to feel more sadness today.
I felt no sadness on Saturday.
But today, I just am a little in awe that our year of baby Sydney is over.

I am also so excited to continue seeing who she becomes.
Whether her little twirling toes will find their way into ballet slippers or soccer cleats...or both.
If her obsession with the boys tiny Lego's will fade and if the adorable baby dolls that she has already accumulated will begin to fascinate her.
If her little strawberry golden locks will be worn in a pig tail or pony tails...will she have bangs...
Will my littlest continue to be petite...still only a wee 18 pounds...
So I am trying to remind myself that there is still so much to wonder about.
So many surprises yet.

This weekend while my mom and I were assembling the egg bakes on Saturday night,
I tried to describe this feeling I have lately.
At night as the day closes I have this excited feeling about the next day.
I am literally, excited for tomorrow. 
I sometimes even wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep because I can't wait for the next day.
Now, don't get me wrong...when Henry wanders in at 5:45 and asks to get up - I can barely open my eyes...probably because I was up for an hour so excited to wake up. 

And do not think that every day is full of splendid moments of joy.
Many moments are stressed or crabby.  snappy.  Do over moments.
But ultimately, each night I am honestly, so excited about the next day.
I hope the feeling lasts forever. 
I don't remember feeling it a month ago. 
I don't remember not feeling.  But I am really aware of it these last couple a weeks.

I think I am realizing that a big part of my personality thrives on the idea of new starts, surprises, and enjoying the ride.
So, even though I am feeling sad today.
I can't wait until tomorrow.  When she is 366 days old.

*I want to reiterate that I am not judging or saying that finding out the sex of your baby is a wrong choice.  I am not. AT ALL.  I actually love finding out what others are having.  haha!  Today, that is just one of the things I am sad I will never live through again.  The surprise.  BUT, I am aware that I will have friends,  nieces and nephews, and grandchildren who will surprise me.  But meeting HER for the first time.  Or Charley or Henry...just remarkable.  And that is my point. 

This is most likely the last post for today.
Time to enjoy my girl.

Were you snowed in today?
What was on your mind today?



Anonymous said...

I was just thinking about this very topic while nursing Ryan 10 minutes ago! We didn't find out the sex of either of our babies - a girl and then a boy. And you're right... words can't describe the anticipation and then realization of what it is. People would ask me while I was pregnant, "what are you having"... and I would remark, "A baby". :)

Goings on at the Glenn's said...

man what a great post! Are you SURE you are done? Sure sounds like a bit on the fence in your heart to me. But I could be reading in between the lines wrong too. I seriously can't believe it has been a whole year already!

Ahhh Mom said...

I can totally relate to you on this! I'm going through the same feelings with my last little one! So sad but so joyful at the same time :)

Jessica said...

You're such a great mom. So hard to always enjoy what's happening now and not looking into the future. Sounds like you balance it out. Makes me wistful for another baby reading your thoughts. JG

Theresa said...

The whole "to find out or not find out" debate is kind of funny because I will tell anyone who will listen that finding out at the ultrasound is the best thing ever! It was far and away the most wonderful moment of my pregnancy :)

Anonymous said...

I agree 100% and more. Waiting to find out the sex if the baby is just the best surprise ever. Not to mention I'm sure I would gone into another dimension of crazy planning if I knew pink or blue ahead of time :)

Also as we are getting close to cooper's 1st birthday, I don't find myself looking forward to it so much. I want this baby stage to last. I hope we are enjoying every moment of it, as he is certainly our last as well.


April Kaiser said...

I love this post Sarah, I have been having a hard time dealing with my baby getting older lately. Especially since she is already walking and it just makes me so sad that she isn't a baby anymore. She's so active and gets so distracted while nursing which means she needs me less. My baby is growing up!
We didn't fine out what we were having with my fist two, found out this time with Mollie and its so much better not to find out. I love the surprise and being completely blown away when you are told you are having a girl when you totally thought boy and having a boy when for sure you thought girl. Since Mollie is our last, your post hit home – we will never discuss names and wonder what features the baby will have of mine of his.
So glad her birthday is a few months away!


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