I will be 38 weeks pregnant on Friday.
My emotions, like these pencil markings, are all over the place.
My boys are probably the ones who are getting the brunt of my moment to moment mood changes. I burst into tears and am not sure why (well let's be honest, these pencil markings could bring tears to some mom's eyes...I actually laughed) I can only explain to Ed that I am tired when the tears come- I don't know why I am crying or feeling like I could tear someone's head off. And he reminds me, "Maybe because you are near 38 weeks pregnant."
I have a friend that keeps reminding me to give myself a break.
I keep telling myself that it is a short time more that I am riding this particular hormone train, before I hop aboard the sleep deprived plane and fly through the first couple weeks oblivious to many things going on around me.
But still the mommy guilt and the nesting bug, that really truly kicks in the last couple weeks of pregnancy, - just keep prodding at me.
I have these plans and ideas that I want to do with my boys every afternoon, but when it comes down to the time to sit down and do a science experiment, board game, or art project - I sit there and can't pull together the energy to gather the materials and the patience to deal with the sticky gooey mess.
A short time. But yet, then things will be different and chaotic in a new way. But that is what is so exciting about the journey of motherhood. So this afternoon I will bundle the boys to meet Ed at the doctor's office for Henry's three year appointment. And I will request they go potty 4 times before they actually pitter pat into the bathroom. I will have to argue over what boots or shoes they wear, and I will have to explain why we can't bring this or that toy with to the doctor's office. I will lug my purse filled with some sort of activity so they aren't tempted to touch the germy cootie coated toys in the waiting room. And I will remind myself that these little things are part of the beauty of the journey.
I have another friend who is due around the same day who wrote and checked in today and said she is struggling with the walking thing. Oh, my do I hear her pain. Each step can be searing pain. And laying down means getting up and getting up means rolling and heaving myself up.
It is a pity party in my house right now for this pregnant mama. And I have decided that for the next two weeks my focus is on my family and I have to let the expectations that I would otherwise hold with more importance go. For example, today Henry and I skipped his little class and curled up on my bed and watched Mickey Mouse. And we sighed and were happy. I enjoyed just looking at his little feet criss crossed next to me. And Charley speaks of play dates, but I explained that for a couple weeks we are going to lay low and enjoy the days of family time. Ed has been coming home for doc appointments and holidays and having him home that extra time is such a gift to both me and the boys. (I do wonder if he is just worried about my sanity around the house...maybe that is what is bringing him home early)
Slowing down, getting ready to hunker down to figure out this new little puzzle who is going to join us any day, is my frame of mind these days...that and cleaning out every drawer and closet, making sure the boys have a full bowl of cereal at meal time, and have clean underwear every other day...ahhh, that is survival. And that is where we are at.
And those marks on the wall that Henry gifted us with last weekend....are still there.