Thursday, September 24, 2009
Lately, I have started to have bouts of anxiety about my boys and the life that lies ahead of them. And "More than life" I would like them to live long and healthy lives. I even extend it to their children, my grandchildren. Will they have a healthy world to live in. I know I have always had the normal motherly anxiety about my boys, however, with the scares that my sister has been dealt lately, it has really forced me to see the possibilities and it is scary. That whole week when we didn't know that it was just a lab error I had trouble not feeling guilty for my healthy boys. What miracles they are and how I take them for granted many moments during the day, and even snap more than I should over little things that just desire more patience. My anxiety has increased and it sits like a bowling ball in my stomach and then rises and feels like a golf ball is stuck in my throat. My heart races and I panic. I want my boys to always be healthy and I want all those in my life to live a life of happiness and health. But yet the nightly news or friends of friends have stories that weigh on my heart and settle in an uneasy way in my head.
Yesterday I posted a question on facebook about the flu shot and the upcoming H1N1 vaccine and got such good feedback from friends from all corners of life....what they have heard, what they have done in the past, what they are thinking...and it was overwhelming. I believe in the vaccines but I also get sick to my stomach sitting there holding my little boys arms down so they can be injected with some concoction that will hopefully prevent illness. The other vaccines bother me but don't cause me the anxiety that the flu shots do. I think it is because each year it evolves into a different cocktail...and is never a sure thing. Anyways, many friends reminded me that I need to do what I think is right for my boys. So this morning we went and Charley got the flu mist for the first time (I had to hold him tight but he took it well) and Henry got the flu shot. He hated it. Afterwards, we were supposed to go to a playgroup that has supported me for the last two years but I felt overwhelmed and knew that a good walk and some quiet time with my boys was exactly what I needed.
So we went to a park reserve, walked a trail for an hour, and visited a nature center. It was perfect and just what I needed. I did miss my girlfriends and I can't wait to hang out with them next time! But this morning I knew what we needed.
So this anxiety I push down and tell myself, "I can't live worrying about things that are out of my control. Life is meant to be lived." And I pray that this anxiety continues to be passing moments that remind me to appreciate the now in my life. A mother's journey is tough and lately Ed has been working late and I am making the decisions for these boys all day on my own, I think that adds to the realization that I can only do so much. And that they will be okay as long as they are loved. No matter what happens and no matter what they have to tackle - they are loved today.
If I could have one wish today it would be that my boys live healthy long lives and that they get to bring their own little miracles into a safe wonderful world.
I want this more than life!