Throughout your life you have left me speechless with your reflections, realizations, and contemplations. I thought I would take a moment and ponder some of the thoughts you have shared or experienced lately.
Lately you have spoken of being a daddy someday but wonder who will be the mom. Maybe your friend Elly you kindly reply. Many of your friends are girls and I have a tiny fear that someday our telephone will ring off the hook around prom time. There is also a tiny hope for this because it would mean you are growing up into a fine young man. Today we went to playgroup with our all girl playgroup. They all put on dresses, shoes, and jewelry and even Henry plopped himself on the pile of necklaces and was fascinated. You kept busy on the sidelines. You never complain that you are the only boy in playgroup. You treasure the young ladies who have become good friends. I am lucky because their mom's are my support system in this journey of being a stay at home mom.
Many days we have your good friend Elly over. The two of you play house most days. You are the daddy and she is the mommy. One day I heard you say, "Okay, I will go to the work because I am the daddy. You stay home because you are the mommy." I snickered at this however, the more it settled in I realized I had to march over there and put my two cents into that situation. I explained, "Now Charley, Elly can go to work too. I used to go to work. Lots of mommy's go to work. " You took that in and play continued. I just want you to always know and remember that mama used to work, and will work, and that being home is work.
This next realization you had the other day broke my heart but it amazes me that you could share these feelings.
The other day you came up to me and said, "Mama, remember when I was little and you used to play with me a lot." Then you stood there and looked at me with sad eyes. This broke my heart. For a four year old to notice and value those days when I did sit and line up cars all morning is something. Last year when I first stayed home it was just you and me. We would get up in the morning and play. I was so excited to be home to treasure every moment with you before this new little family member joined us. Now you are four and I explained that many things you can now do without me sitting right there. You can race your cars, color a picture, or do a puzzle. Many days I get wrapped up in the laundry, dishwasher, picking up the toys, and on and on. But just because I am not sitting right there next to you doesn't mean I am not completely aware of all that you are doing. I see that you turn in your chair and demand to your reflection to stop copying yourself. I am watching and loving that I get to take in every moment in your day to day life.
I probably do need to forget about some of the day to day chores and get down on the floor and play more with you. But I truly also see the value in you playing independently and keeping yourself busy.
These thoughts have been on my mind the last few days. Some of them hard to admit out loud but also I want to share my thoughts as a mother so that some day you can see what your journey and mine included.
Charley, I am proud of how you are growing up. And I doubt myself on a daily, hourly, moment to moment basis on the choices I am making throughout the day. Because I doubt myself I feel like I keep myself in check and continue to try new things, attack the day differently, grow as a mama, and be the best I can be for you and your brother. You are a verbal boy who shares your thoughts so clearly with me and I am lucky. I pray that as you grow older you will continue to tell me how you feel. Even though sometimes the things you say can be too honest or blunt. It is your insight, however you share it with me, that makes me work that much harder as a mother.
Love you big boy!