It will make a difference

Last night was one of those nights that I curled up to go to bed feeling like a failure as a mom.  It is so obvious when you know you aren't saying or doing the right things for/to your kids.  Those failure thoughts run constantly through our heads, weigh heavily on our shoulders, and squish our hearts so much more easily than all the good things we do as moms.

As Charley gets older I become more and more aware that the first few years of his life that I thought were hard or stressful or mind boggling...weren't really the hardest, well actually they were when we were in it.  I was sleep deprived and worried I was doing all the right things when it came to him eating, sleeping, socializing, napping etc.

However, now we are stepping into the years where hard work, responsibility, kindness, honor, respect, grace, attitude, loyalty, follow through with commitments, empathy, and so much more are overwhelmingly much harder to instill and teach.  Plus, the fact that much of their day now is spent away from you where you are not even a bystander at most moments...you just have to take the leap of faith that the teachers and friends he is connecting with will inspire him to do great things...this is hard to find peace with.   It is so hard to know when to push and when to pull back or say it's okay to let him fail and learn from it.  It is hard to know what is the right balance for play, homework nagging, after-school commitments, chores and family responsibilities...and more.

With younger siblings there is a pressure of thinking they are watching and learning from how the first child chooses to go about this adventure called life.  Yet, there is the fact that every child is so different, needs different things from us, naturally does different things on their own, and will struggle with different aspects of life.   And again, as parents we have to keep reminding ourselves that they are little human beings with their own minds and personalities.  They are the main factor in how their life will go.  We really don't have all that much control when you look at the big picture.

But when they are 8 and you are still the one to take part in many of the decisions and experiences they are apart of it is hard to know if you are doing all the right things.

Lately, in our house we are wrestling with these questions ...What time the kids go to bed?  When does homework get done (there doesn't seem to be a good time that gets it done without a lot of nagging or whining... letting him have downtime after school or making him do it right away aren't working).  Stocking the shelves and making meals that fill all their tummies....constantly I am hearing after a meal that they are still hungry.  Letting go of the violin committment is taking place and it breaks my heart but it is also the right decision.  Making sure that we are all taking part in our house running smoothly...emptying the dishwasher, picking up their bedroom floor, and clearing their dishes from the table seem like tasks that should be expected.

I need to be tougher.  I need to embrace the whining and tantrums that come along with dealing with homework, family responsibilities, and the activities we commit to that ultimately are fun, but aren't always where they want to go when it is time for practice.  It is part of being a mom...right?  I need to keep telling myself that it will be worth it to instill all these responsibilities and follow through.  The impact of following through with the lessons like "we do hard things."  and  "we tell the truth"  and "we show up and do our job"  and "we help our family"  and "we are kind to others" and "and we brush our teeth and change our underwear" (you laugh..only if you aren't a parent)  and so many more...the impact of following through with those lessons, even if it means counting to 1000, repeating yourself a million times, and taking 2 minutes standing in the bathroom with the door shut breathing deeply, will be priceless.  It will make a difference someday.

Because I know it will most likely mean that this small tribe of mine will call me up some morning, possibly in tears, telling me that they think they are a bad parent.  And I will get to reassure them that they are a great mom or dad.  (Thanks Mom for doing that for me today!)

When I got home from a disastrous drop off this morning...I opened up this blog post and felt like she wrote it just for me.  

It is Wednesday.
Syd is run down and sick...she fell asleep for a nap within minutes.
Charley has his first big math test and so he should come home with very little homework.
Henry is laid back today...at least at the moment.
We have Sheboygan made Johnsonville brats to grill and a cold brew chilling.
And I am revved up to get something done around here.

GO!