Monday, February 4, 2013

Rambles on ....mama guilt

From the Momastery blog today....

Why are we so hard on ourselves?
Why do we have days were we feel so yucky in our own body?
Why do we feel guilty for yearning for an hour at Target without little helpers?
Why do we feel like a failure when we serve up pancakes for not only breakfast, but also dinner (in one day)?
Why do we feel like we can't have a friend come sit for coffee if the counters are covered in last night's dinner dishes and the couch is mounded with laundry?
Why do we feel so low when we lose our temper and maybe, raise our voice at our little ones?
Why do we not share that we feel lonely during the day?
Why do we feel obligated to add more and more to our plates when we feel drained or overwhelmed already?
Why do we feel silly getting out of our yoga pants (when we didn't even go to yoga) and make up seems like trying too hard if we are just going to be home playing blocks with our little ones?
Why do we feel judged for the way we spend our time? for the food we feed our family? for the size of our jeans? or the birthday party we throw?  
Why do we lose sleep over Barbie dolls, Halloween candy, Nerf Guns, and extra curricular activities?

Today a favorite blog posted an oldie but a goodie that she has posted previously on her blog.  It is a GREAT one.  It speaks to the guilt that we have as mamas.  No matter our choice or our reality of working outside of the home or staying at home during this time in our lives.  

Recently, a friend who teaches, had to stay home with her sick little girl.  She stayed home one day and her husband would stay home the next.  They balanced this because both are also needed at their job.  I remember working when Charley was tiny.  I felt guilt bringing him to daycare with a runny nose or having Ed stay home to care for him when he was sick and I felt guilt staying home knowing I had a classroom of students that weren't getting me that day.  There really was no answer.  Guilt. it's there. 

I worry sometimes that my children don't value what I do daily staying home.  I want Sydney to grow up knowing my choice to stay home was something I wanted to do and I am grateful that I had the opportunity and choice.  I am thankful for all the women in her life that choose differently and show her too, that as a little girl she can aspire to be anything she dreams.  

As I come to terms with Henry heading off to kindergarten I am realizing that I am more than half way done with this time in my life with my children home for more of the day than they are away.  And it is hard to feel confident in what will come next.  I get teary with Ed saying, "I don't know if I can go back to teaching, will I remember how, will I remember I was good? Will I be good again?"  I gave that part of me up for a spell and it is scary to realize you let a part of who you are rest for so long.  I have friends who have gone back to work when their kids were all in school and I have others that continued staying home.  How do you know what is right for your family? and you? 

Not everyone has the choice to work or stay home or try to do the illusive balance of part-time.  (I say illusive because I do think part-time can be harder than going one way or the other, and in some instances, you end up doing full time of both things.)  Not everyone can handle working or staying home with children.  The wonderful thing about this time in America is that we have choices, we have solutions, help, and support.  And just like Glennon says in her post, we now just need to stop tearing each other down for the choices we make.  Or more correctly, we need to stop thinking others are tearing us down for our own choices.  We all do what is best for our family.  And what is best for your family is for you to decide.  

For me, having a supportive husband, who listens and hears my worries and concerns is vital.  He hears what I am saying and then reminds me to relax-- really, really helps me get out of my paranoid, worried, down funks.  Because, we are a team, raising our tribe of littles, and the importance of what we value and what works for us is the key to our family's success.   

How do you deal with all the different guilts that weigh so heavily on us women?  


Anonymous said...

BALANCE is key for me! I need to have my quiet days at home with my family, my little part time hours I put in at work(to read mags and pay bills) and MY friend time is crucial, reminds me of who I am-gives me back my identity for awhile where I can be carefree and enjoy some good conversations.

Raina and Andy said...

i have the guilt. all the time. I look to andy and my friends for reassurance that i'm doing ok. i need a lot of reminders because it's so natural for us moms to put so much pressure on ourselves-no matter our choices and circumstances. the important part is to let go of the guilt and embrace where you are and what you are doing. because you are the perfect mom for your kids, regardless if you spend 10 minutes with them in the morning and out the door you go, or if you spend 9 hours with them alone. Find what works for YOU and go with it. Make the most of it. I love this post to bits and pieces. Speaks to me SO much. I might print some of it out and stick it on my PART-TIME work desk. yahoo for my life change I made in the last year. I'm a whole new person. RR

Anonymous said...

Hi! I try to think about how much I have tomorrow might be easier or better...that I guess I work really hard in my classroom and bring work home so I can enjoy my holidays, summers and most weekends. Just wish those weekends were longer...

Anonymous said...

God helps! He doesn't want us to live in guilt (we all do though), but He is there for us ALL OF THE TIME and we just need to talk to Him and He will give us peace that goes beyond all understanding! Jamie Trampe

Anonymous said...

I don't really know how I consistently deal with the guilt I feel in regards to motherhood, but I do know that validation from those I admire and respect helps me cope. I had a friend recently say to me: "You know you are doing it, right? You are doing it all and you are doing it all well. Your a full-time mother, a full-time wife, a full-time doctor, and a full-time friend. You are doing it all amazingly. You know that right, Colleen?" WOW--was that nice to hear. When guilt creeps up, I think of those comments and use it as a reminder that I'm doing just fine. :)


Related Posts with Thumbnails