Thursday, July 9, 2009

Mama Emotions...

I work hard everyday trying to get my oldest son, yes you Charley, to play on your own. From time to time he gets going and blesses me with the sound of his imagination running wild without my prompting. Without naps everyday I have a hard time fitting in time to fold the laundry, prep dinner, dishwasher unloaded, ...basically, get things done. So for him to grace me with time is always a treat. Some days tantrums, begging, and tears occur me...trying to figure out what he can do so that I can do my thing. I treasure our time but I also need to get things done and it is very important for independent play.

Then there are days where he is off to pee wee soccer practice. I get to see him look over at me as they put on a pinny to signal what team he is proud he looked to wear one for the first time. I swear he grew an inch and there was a bit more skip in his step. I am overwhelmed with love. Then we hustle to the car and I drop him at park group and I realize that he isn't with me for a little bit and I miss him. Even though whining was his choice of communication all morning. I think as a mom, especially one that stays home and spends all hours with her little ones, you find yourself craving play dates or activities that entertain your child so you can potentially have a moment to yourself. It makes me laugh as I see all my mommy friends pull up to the park looking like they are on a mission, all hustling our kids out of the car, slapping on sunscreen, giving a kiss...and then as you turn you see their shoulders relax and a smile appear on their face. But then like me, I can predict they then wrestle with the feelings of worry, anxiety, guilt, happiness, and longing. I drive away excited to grocery shop with just one child, clean up a little, check my email...knowing Charley is having a total blast with his little friends...but then I also wrestle with those feelings of guilt and longing. Missing him, feeling guilty for rushing him out the door - does he know how much I love him, is he safe, will they make him wash his hands after he goes potty in that disgusting bathroom. No doubt, 2 minutes after getting in the car he will begin whining about lunch, what he wants to do all afternoon, and I will once again spiral into the crabby mommy who wonders when he will be busy again so I can miss him! Makes me tired just thinking about the emotions a mama feels in 2 hours!

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