"I just want you to be happy."
A statement Ed has said to me lately...maybe in moments when I am frustrated with the kids.
And it isn't always the kids that I am frustrated with.
Sometimes I think I am just frustrated that I can't place myself in what I should be doing on a Saturday afternoon. Given my "work week" takes place in my weekend zone too. It is hard to transition.
Should I be cleaning, playing, organizing, adventuring, planning, cooking, doing something that I have wanted to tackle. OR maybe it is not getting out of this home space.
He says, "GO!" Go workout, go shop, go to a movie with a friend."
But I am not always sure that is what I want to do either.
Sometimes it is just being home with the pitter putter of our little crew playing around -- that's what I want.
I think I worry and over-think his weekends too, and know that he should be working on our upstairs bathroom that has been torn out for two years. Or down in the basement making himself a space that he is inspired to work on stuff. Afternoon naps in front of a football game are good for his soul too. I ask him too, "Are you happy?" demanding, "You need a hobby." encouraging him, "Get together with your buddies."
That's pressure when you start to analyze your happiness, or someone else's.
Sometimes, when I over-think things, I feel like I am failing when I don't want to sit on the floor and build legos or play a board game with the kids. I feel like I am not exposing them to the weekend adventures that others are out having...or it seems they are having, when we stay put and don't conquer museums etc.
But at this stage, I really do think it is okay to have lazy days where we are in our pjs all day. Going from one thing to the next. It isn't our season to be reflooring our house or mastering do it yourself projects...because who is going to watch the kids while we work together.
Syd's favorite person right now is daddy. The boys count down until Friday when they know daddy will be home for a few days. So to think of him going and working in the basement or bathroom for hours and not giving our kiddos the gift of their daddy makes me feel like we are making the right decision. I know we are. We will get that bathroom finished, eventually.
This weekend they worked on wood projects, the boys and their daddy. They got their pinewood derby cars prepped for the big derby this coming weekend. We went out for dinner. Last weekend they skied most of the day. Ed ran errands so I could clean...making it possible that we could have friends over these last couple Saturday evenings.
Did Ed build something with his wood working tools that he is quickly accumulating? Did I get to a photography class or workout? Did our bathroom renovation progress?
Nope.
And that's okay.
Happiness is a hard thing to pinpoint and sometimes a hard feeling to understand.
I like to think in terms of contentment. Am I feeling grace for a healthy family that spends time under one roof "happy."? MOST DEFINITELY. There is an amazing feeling of peace ringing in the new year with my husband (at midnight) just hanging out together. I like to focus on the joy and the feeling that this is where I want to be, next to this man, in this house, with these kiddos, relishing this season of life...and going out shopping or to a movie isn't really where I want to be.
It is right here.
In my slippers.
Sipping coffee from a maker that doesn't leak (finally).
Getting the kids to bed smoothly so we can snuggle up to watch Downton Abby together.
And being thankful that he is aware of my interests and time and I am aware of his. And trying to perfect the balance of giving each other what we need. Given that our small tribe can push both our buttons and suck some of the joy out of lazy Saturday mornings...when they are bickering, jumping on couches, and whining.
I'm happy. I most definitely am, but I am also thankful, joyful, at peace, and content.
Do you worry about your spouses happiness? yours?
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9 comments:
Interesting question. Is it strange/bad/weird that I don't worry about his happiness? I mean, to me it's obvious that he is happy and loves his life. Perhaps if that weren't obvious to me every day, I would worry some. We don't do a lot of ourselves but now that we are getting out of the throes of small babies, it is easier to go out and do things. I feel like we've gotten good at saying, "I want to do this, do you have plans that night?".
No! I don't think weird that you don't worry. And I am not worried in general either of Ed's happiness...just that he gets time to do the things he desires outside of the roll of daddy and husband...I know he works hard all week, swoops in each evening to do his daddy thing and then he is wiped. So he has little time for a hobby etc. I see his happiness. But, I want to support him outside of those daddy/husband roll. And he knows I am happy too, but he sees me burnt out from being home all the time, especially when he has travelled most of the week. So maybe my message came across wrong. ....maybe I am also justifying why our bathroom has been ripped out for two years :)
The more I think about my response up above to your comment...I do worry about his happiness, not because he doesn't seem happy..but because I just always want to make sure that life is going well for him whether it is at work or at home, that I can't help make his life that much more fulfilled....since we are in this together.
All the time. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong with staying home in your PJ's and just being! There is too much pressure to constantly be going somewhere or doing something.
I always feel guilty doing things for myself on the weekends since I'm gone during the week so much and I know Hubs does too.
Sounds like you guys are communicating and I think that is one of the most important things!
Hopefully, you get a date night here or there...
We talk about our happiness in our house, I think that is healthy. That is part of loving someone to me.
I think the key is focusing on what makes you happy too, and yes that is so hard sometimes isn't it? To figure out what a Saturday should look like. Or I spend time at the end of the weekend wishing we got xyz accomplished, when it really doesn't mater. But that is me I always want to accomplish more. Or to have had a different weekend that didn't involve school work, or work or whatever.
Awesome that you think about it. Good for a marriage.
I left a LONG comment earlier and where did it go? Bottom line, staying home with your family on weekends in your pjs is HEAVEN,just heaven. It means things are perfect and you don't need to go anywhere to prove it. I remember...
I smiled while reading this post because I asked my husband the same question last week. Sigh. I don't know, I guess it was more of a check in. He's not one to complain so I just wanted to make sure he was feeling content. I think that's ok to check in with those around you. And I also agree with the above poster-nothing wrong with spending a weekend at home in pjs. Family time and down time are incredibly important.
Great post Sarah. I've said it before...sometimes you write things and I think...did she just climb into my head and type out what I think? Happiness comes in so many forms on so many different levels....to be "in check" with all of them from time to time is a good thing. I've also had to practice hard at seeing "sitting still" as a positive choice. With Sam home so much lately, sometimes I could truly sit back and just do fake snow angels on my living room floor while I soak in the moments of our truly solid time together as a whole family. (Now...of course a job and good health insurance is going to be key...and we can't live this way forever...but soaking up this time; the time we have when our kids are young and actually want to spend time with us is so very precious).
i have a couple of friends who are opposite of me (and maybe you)-they like to get out every day and they are do do do. I'm opposite. i feel satisfied at home. I think it's just different personalities and i think i'm more like you. i'm comforted surrounded by my kiddos and husband and just want to be together. it's good to get out and get fresh air but i crave weekends without plans and no stress of leaving. i check in with andy allll the time about if he's happy. i know he would never tell me if he thought he needed more of this or that because he wouldn't want to stress me out, so i like to give him a chance to tell me he'd like a date night, or a night alone, or that he'd like to go golfing or if he'd take a night off from bedtime etc. i think it's all part of communication and if you don't check in-you might miss cues or there may not even be cues and all of a sudden you're in too deep. this post made me think a lot. RR
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