The Tough Stuff - careful praise

The Tough Stuff will be a new series of posts covering some parenting thoughts that are hard for me.  The things I lose sleep over.  The things I am afraid will screw up my kids.  The things that I, myself, don't always know how I feel about.  Maybe processing them here and hearing your thoughts will bring me a sense of peace.

This past fall sport season Charley tried something new.  Even though I LOVE watching him play soccer and I fear the idea of football, I was excited that he had the confidence to try something new.  So we went for it.  Towards the end of the season he said, "I wonder if I will get a trophy for football."  In t-ball and soccer he received a trophy at the end of each season.  Just. for. playing.

Hmmmm, this idea of a trophy gets me so agitated.  And so this time I honestly responded, "I hope not."  He looked at me shocked.  I explained how he has received trophies just for playing soccer and t-ball.  And he should be proud for playing all these seasons, he had fun, learned lots, and grew as a player -but when I was growing up a trophy was saved for the BIG win or the MVP player.  It was earned.  It was not just given because you signed up.  He paused.  He agreed.  And at the end of the football season...there was no trophy or ribbon or certificate.  Does he want to play again - you bet.  Did he need to get the trophy - I guess not.  He didn't even comment that he didn't get one.

I know the trophy made him super excited.  But as his mom, I worry that by getting a trophy just for being on the team and playing his best - sets him up to expect a trophy every season.  And at some point things will get more competitive and his team won't get the trophy.  So why set them up for the trophy at the age of 5.

And quite honestly, I have NO IDEA where and what to do with all the trophies.

 As I watch Charley grow as a learner, reader, thinker, athlete and school boy I work hard to use the language that will inspire hard work.  Saying things like "Wow, I can tell you worked hard at that."  Instead of "great job." or "You're so smart."  Kids can tell when your comments are sincere and if they mean the real deal.  When I was teaching we had many workshops on teacher language and now as a parent I can see it can also be called parenting language. 

I am careful not to use general phrases that just boost Charley's ego.   I want him to be able to identify what my praise is directed at...or better yet...offer questions that cause the praise to come out of his own mouth...

Example, "Wow Charley, what is your favorite part?  What part did you work hardest on?  Tell me about your work?"  Instead of just saying, "Great picture."  Because kids are smart.  They know when the person across the table can read, write, draw, or color better than them.  And they will quickly be able to identify the genuine praise that shares truth. 

This goes for Henry.  When the boys are coloring side by side...if they have both drawn pictures of pumpkins and I say good job to both of them...they can figure out that one of them did an overall better job than the other.  So instead I can tell Charley "WOW!  The eyes on your pumpkin are super scary."  And I can tell Henry, "Crazy orange.  You used so much crazy orange."  Then they can sit and take in your comment and feel so proud of their picture.  I have seen them do this.  Sit and look and take in what I have said.

I do not want Charley to start placing things he has to learn into two categories...things that he is smart at and come naturally and  things that he isn't smart at and are too hard.  I want instead for him to recognize the things that come easily and be driven to work hard to master the things that are new, challenging, and awesome.  I want him to choose the harder task because he isn't afraid of failing and he is inspired to succeed.  I want him to try new things instead of playing it safe so he gets the trophy. 

It is hard.  And I have not mastered parenting language.  I say, "Great job kiddo" way too often.  I forget.  But I try.  I challenge myself to think more about how I speak to my children about their accomplishments.   And I am GLAD that he didn't get a trophy for playing football this year - because honestly, I don't think he caught the dang ball one time.  And that's okay.  He had a blast and wants to do it again.      

Deliberate praise.  I wish someone could sit on my shoulder and give me some praise each time I am deliberate about my parenting language.

Scream Free Parenting...always the goal

"No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal."

- Bill Cosby, U.S. comedian (1937- )

Hal's Take:

Referees have thankless jobs. Think about it: someone is always upset with them. If you find yourself at the center of sibling controversy, parenting can sometimes feel the same way. Be assured, though, there is no need to wear the stripes and blow the whistle. When we step in and try to make sure everyone plays fair and equality prevails, we are usually the losers. Have you ever really listened to yourself when you jump into a heated exchange with your kids? You end up tangled in their twisted, childish logic worse than they do – and you’re supposed to be the adult! Instead, allow them the space to work things out amongst themselves and model calm for them. Ultimately, the skills they’ll develop in doing this are far more important than who got to sit in the front seat yesterday. They’ll learn more about themselves and others in the process and you just might be surprised by their creativity and compassion.

-Hal Runkel, LMFT author of ScreamFree Parenting

------------------

A year or so ago I read the book Scream Free Parenting...and I found many useful tips.  I loved how it focused on me rather than picking apart my child's behavior and choices.   I do realize that the root of most of what happens (good or bad) during the day, has to do with my reactions to their behavior. 

And so I love getting these little bursts of insight each morning.  You can sign up here to get the daily bits of advice.  On any given day I find some of them hit me as very profound. 
Other days I delete them and move on. 
Just a resource for quick inspiration, check it out. 

Just a little

So my mom is flying here to visit this evening. Ed will pick her up from the airport after working a really long day...my pregnant self will try to stay awake for her late arrival, but it might not make it. I know she would rather have me well rested than up and then crabby tomorrow. So we'll see.

The other day we were talking about how she hasn't seen the boys since the last week in July and she just can't wait to see and hear the boys chatter. She reminded me how in July, Henry would process so much in his head of what he wanted to say, but then it would jumble all up for the first chunk of what he was saying and it would come out a mess. The thought would finish clearly but the first part was a mumble mash of cute-ness.

Shockingly, I realized that I had forgotten how he used to do that. And he doesn't do it anymore. He can process his thoughts and express them rather clearly now. And my heart races, my stomach drops, and I have one more thing to lay awake realizing. Time is flying.

A few friends/family have emailed about my post about our Halloween, to inform me that our "little one" will be big enough to dress up and ride in the wagon. I know. I know. But I don't want to rush the thought of the baby being already a tot at Halloween. I do realize it - I have even thought out the costumes for it's first 3 years. We even joked this weekend that next year we will throw the little bean a piece of licorice to pacify him/her during the trick or treat journey. I DO get it.

But the hormonal pregnant mama just wants it to slow down. And there is a GOOD chance that our third will not walk at 9 months. And when dusk hits and the trick or treat journey begins we will strap that little one to us in a backpack or front carrier and set off. You never know!

Henry is the one these days that leaves me pausing and realizing how fast time is going. Charley is growing up too but the pace seems to have slowed now that he has hit Kindergarten.

Today Henry brought snack for his class. He was so proud. His teacher was laughing how he would stand up during the snack time and look around and make sure everyone was eating and enjoying. He even said to her that everyone liked the cookies. And when we reunited he told me, "Mama, my friends like the cookies I brought. cheese too!" He is so big.

And this afternoon they are both cranky but yet those darn art boxes we bought on Monday are still "THE" toy to play with. They have journeyed down to our newly cleaned up kid play area in the basement, they have music playing, and are puttering around with things. I am left realizing that my boys can play without their mama watching every move they make.

I look at my niece Morgan and my nephew Eli and think...they just turned 1...and a year from now we will be verging on our third miracle turning 1. It is going to go even faster than Charley and Henry's first year. I can feel it.

SLOW DOWN! And maybe that is why I am hesitating these days to set up play dates and exciting outings in the afternoon. By staying home, and letting them putter in the basement, cozy on the couch watching a cartoon together, baking pumpkin bars with me, playing Candy land...I can MAYBE, just MAYBE, slow it down a little bit.

Just a little.

Tag-a-long errand runners

We need milk...and eggs, bread, fruit...etc.

We have books to drop off and pick up at the library.

A carwash would be great.

The list goes on.

And most days I think...ugh, here we go..running errands with the boys.  Joy.

But really. 

My boys are joy. 

This little fellow sits beside me during Charley's 50 minute swimming lessons every morning for the last 4 weeks.  He chats, snacks, and keeps me company. 

How can I complain?

I shouldn't. 

He also takes my hand after JUMPING out of the car and reaching up to proudly close his door

ALL. BY. HIMSELF.

He holds my hand without asking or complaining.  Blessed.

And the time will come - I am sure sooner than I can imagine.  When I will reach for his hand and he will be 10 steps ahead.  Or even worse, they will both stay home and yes, errands will get accomplished a hundred times faster with far less gritting of my teeth. 

But for today I will remember that having these little tag-a-longs, who occasionally ask for a certain box of snacks or cereal, are a gift. 

They are company. 

They are my side kicks. 

And next summer I will have 3, yes THREE, little helpers. 

Life is good...even when I have put off our grocery run until after naps...which means that for lunch we will have some very random items from the pantry. 

It. is. Time.

This morning Charley had a dentist appointment.  Henry and I sat and watched...I was nervous...I wanted him to get a good report - for himself and for me, his mama.  I hope that the teeth brushing skills we are instilling are good enough.  I don't know much about dental hygiene etc...but I have never had a cavity and Charley hasn't yet either!  Woo hoo!  I heard the dentist and hygenist murmur several time "Look at these beautiful teeth."  I know that a lot of it is heredity...probably all of it.  But I am still thrilled and proud.

As Henry and I sat there I thought about that lovely little green lifesaver up there in the picture.  It is Henry's first addiction.  It is a big one.  When he gets his hands on one of these his eyes get heavy and he just wants to curl up by me.  Love it.

It soothes him when he is hurt or unhappy.  So I decided to ask the dentist if he could peek at Henry's teeth to see if there as anything that would push us to end this addiction earlier than later.  Charley quit when he turned two.  Henry is 2 and 2 months and is still growing strong.  Lately I have noticed Henry's tongue thrusting out when he makes some sounds...something I know can come from nuk use.  The dentist took a quick look and assured me that asking him today was a very smart choice.  He recommended that we quit now...his two year molars haven't come in yet and it is very good to quit before they come in.  He also noticed some signs of nuk use from his teeth formation - AAHHHHHHH!  Freaking out!

So sadly, with a knot in my stomach, we left the dentist, knowing that we need to end this "ukkie" use.  So starting today folks - I AM VOWING TO ONLY USE IT AT SLEEP TIME!  and from there we will wean him from it.  We can do this.  He will survive!

It was probably the hardest thing we had to get through with Charley.  It took about a week.  But he did it and doesn't remember it.  Henry is becoming such a big boy.

IT. IS. TIME.

This post is now linked to Friday Follow.

How do we make family dinner happen...most nights!

This week the family meal is on my brain.  So today I thought I would share how we make a family dinner work most nights.  Here are just a few my thoughts on family dinner time. 

TIMING:  Ed and I communicate on when he thinks he will be home that evening.  Sometimes he runs late becuase of his commute and that means from time to time that we have to eat without him.  But most nights he is able to give me a rough estimate and I use this to begin planning.

FLEXIBILITY:  If our dinner hour is going to be normal then we go about our afternoon like normal.  But if I know he is going to be later ...then I organize our late afternoon activities and snacks so that this hard time between naps and dinner goes as smooth as possible.  Moving snack later and going on an outing like the library or the park helps.

FIRM:  I am NOT a short order cook. I make one meal and that is what we will all eat - if we choose. AS THE ADULT I believe my job is to decide:

What food is offered.

When the food is offered.

Where it will be eaten.

And my boys can go from there and decide:

  If they will eat.

What they will eat.

How much they will eat.

However, because I don't make my boys something different than the main meal, I do make sure that within the meal presented there is something that I know they like...whether it be the maindish or a side dish.  If I am making something new and "scary" then I make sure to provide at least one side dish that is safe and "not scary".  Last night my boys ate a TON of cantelope and not too much of the main dish...which was fine with me.

Fun:  Talk, laugh, and enjoy the time together.  Ask about your days - Peeks and Valleys or favorite parts.  Teach your children to talk among themselves while mommy and daddy talk about something "adult".  Pick a topic to discuss like summer fun, sports, their favorite toy, dream vacations.  Talk about worries or use the time to go over safety information...fire drills, answering the phone, stranger danger.  Enjoy the quiet and let your children be a little silly or lead the conversation.  Have everyone come to the table with a fact to share or a joke to tell (decide the night before so there is time to prepare).  Take turns saying prayer or go around and give thanks.  Eat out on the picnic table or on a blanket in your yard. 


A little thought can make things flow and make this time of your day the best!  Does it have to happen EVERY night- Nope!  But in our house, we make an effort and we are starting early so that it is an expectation when the nights roll around when the boys are older - making their own plans and having their own commitments.  I figure, if we make it a habit and we make it fun - then it will be something they don't want to miss. 

This is linked to Tuesday's Unwrapped and 30 Minute Blog Challenge.

Packing my boys a lunch!

Now that I am a parent I have moments where I think back to my childhood and wonder why/how my mom chose to do certain things.   How she made her choices and why she made them?

Tonight I turned on the TV and caught Jaime Oliver's Food Revolution...it begins next Friday! So tonight they must be previewing it to get people talking.   LOVE THAT!  It has the potential to ROCK this country to a core! ONLY IF PEOPLE TAKE TIME TO WATCH!

My mom packed our lunches from grade school through high school.   She still packs my dad a lunch.   I did get to pick one day a week for hot lunch in elementary school.  I remember sitting down for lunch as a sophomore with a lunch that looked unlike most of my friends' lunches (they had a pop and bag of pretzels).   My mom always made sure our lunch included a sandwich, some fruit (I remember the baggie of orange pieces that she sliced up), a crunchy something, and a little dessert. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY!

Tonight as I watched Jaime show what goes on in the lunch room of many schools in the USA, I am IN AWE that my mom made this incredibly healthy choice for us that I know helped me be the healthy eater that I am today, when there was an easy lunch ticket option.  And she made our lunches fun with notes and surprises from time to time.  The time and discipline to make 4 lunches EVERY. SINGLE. DAY boggles my mind. I try to make my husband's lunch every once in a while but I fail - ALL TOO OFTEN.

I have a really hard time watching these kinds of things - they overwhelm me. Especially when children, who don't know and don't have the power to make healthier choices for themselves, are involved.

I have always planned to make my boys' lunches when they are school age.   And watching tonight's show just solidified this goal for myself.  Friday night the show premieres! Watch it - give it a chance! I know I will be watching!

And Jaime Oliver ended the show saying something along the lines about helping this community learn to take some ingredients, make some real food, SIT DOWN TOGETHER and break bread.
...making my point about family meal time - real - important.  I hope the mom from last Friday, who thinks obesity comes from making dinnertime social, takes time to watch this show. 

Keeping this short!  Here is a blip about the show.

Getting it off my chest - Family Meal Time

This morning at Henry's ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education), the parent discussion topic was picky eaters. The facilitator was going over the list of ways in which we can help keep our children from being picky eaters and how to work with our picky eaters to keep expanding their world of food. I truly believe our children are born with some of their eating habits - Charley ate EVERYTHING and Henry is very picky. I did very little different with them from the start. But I do believe there are things we do as parents that can emphasize picky eating habits or help our children move onto stretching their diet horizons.

One of the points made this morning focused on sitting down and making meal time social. One of the moms brought up that this makes her uncomfortable because she thinks one of the problems with obesity in America results from thinking of eating as a social experience - and I understood where she was coming from. Lots of social is associated with eating. I only got a second to think about my response and when it got to me I did have a second to share my view - but on my drive home I got frustrated that I didn't have a chance to explain my ideas further - and I know the facilitator didn't get to either. So here is my thinking:

My issue with kids and obesity revolves more around snacks. I pointed out that today most mom's can whip out at least 1 and sometimes 3 snacks from her purse at any moment. I have done it - when I need them occupied in a waiting room, when they are whining in the car, when they ask at a park etc. I really, truly think, that family dinners are not to blame! So strongly - I can't begin to tell you how strongly.

There are children that graze all day - on healthy and unhealthy choices but they never sit down and eat a balanced meal with conversation and table manners. And yes, maybe what they are consuming is more healthy in many instances - but, for most children, snacking is not the healthiest food intake of their day.

I will admit that I do not sit down with my children at breakfast and lunch every day. I know I probably should. However, this is my chance to get the kitchen cleaned up, laundry switched etc. My boys chatter away and their relationship grows with every meal.

Family dinner time for me has always been about our family (mama, daddy, Charley, and now Henry) sitting down together at dinner time. One mom countered that her family spends plenty of time with each other so meal time isn't important.

Yes, we spend plenty of time together.  I, for sure, spend my whole day with my boys. However, I do not spend my whole day looking at them, asking them questions about their day, letting them see me ask their daddy how his day was etc.  Family dinner to me is about a balanced meal, conversation revolving around sharing and problem solving, table manners, learning how to converse and sit quiet.

I know that at this age we also get this conversation time with our little ones before bed - BUT, when my boys are 10 or 15.... I am thinking I won't be tucking them in at night and having some cozy conversation cuddled up after reading a book or two. So when else am I going to get them to sit down DAILY, showing them that they have a FAMILY that supports and cares for them. I am plan on depending on family meal time as our chance to remind our children that we are here, we are strong, we are grounded, and we CARE ABOUT THEIR DAILY LIVES! And when sports and evening activities start to invade our family meal time - adjustments will be made - but they will ALWAYS KNOW that dinner will be served in our house. And their mom and dad will be waiting, ready to listen.

This is how I grew up and I really believe it gives a family a strong foundation. Yes, there are instances where a parent works in the evening or children have extra curricular activities - I would make adjustments and make weekend meals a priority or make sure to have breakfast with them...or set up a family meeting time.

But if family dinners can work in your family- take the opportunity and don't waste the chance. It can be a life long opportunity to connect with your children - and in today's day of technology and lifestyle - connections are key for children when making the healthy choices in life.

Do you do anything fun with family meal time to make it fun or special? Or do you have a different opinion on family meal time? PLEASE SHARE!  I have more posts related to family dinner time coming in the next week!


Welcome friends from NEW FRIEND FRIDAY...thanks for visiting. 

Naked Energy Phenomenon

There is a phenomenon that I have chatted about with many moms.  Ed and I have also pondered it. It is the moment before bath or pajama time...when your child disrobes and is in his/her birthday suit.

They are supposed to stay still so you can put on the new diaper and get the pajamas on. Or they are supposed to make their way immediately to the bathtub, however, as soon as they are naked they seem to get a burst of energy and take off full speed ahead...running wildly to and fro.   To request that they stop is a waste of time.  As a mother you can't help but pause, tip your head, and smile at their little buns and pudgy legs quickly scooting to and fro.  And it is all cute until they pee...

Charley is 5 and he still does this.  Though it isn't so cute as they get bigger...but yet, I hate to curb this self-conscious freedom that he still has. When does it stop and why does it stop?  Why and when does life change so that you hide and are embarrassed?

Being a child is a period in one's life when you aren't self-conscious. Children don't feel judgment or care what others are thinking - they don't really even know that others might be thinking about them. Children feel and express their feelings without manipulation. They feel joy and sadness and they show it without hesitation. Curiosity leads them and wonder makes each day amazing. Little things are miraculous - an airplane passing over, the sirens of a firetruck, or a ladybug landing on the picnic table. Their energy is endless- spinning and running without hesitation.

Childhood is a unique and precious time. It is my goal as a mother to let this time last as long as possible.   Because once disappointment, depression, embarrassment, and emotional discomfort enter....their days of running naked are just a .....memory - and actually - I would give anything to remember that feeling....so a memory isn't even the right word.


This post is linked up to Steady Mom's 30-minute blog challenge and Tuesday's Unwrapped.

Beets Me!

This post is now part of New Friend Friday and Friday Follow!  Welcome! 

Only follow if you like what you read.

When your children are born you anticipate the day when their personality starts to really show it's face.  You wonder what kind of kiddo he/she will be.  How he/she will react and deal with what life throws at them?  What will their personality be like....their mood, temper, passions, excitements, frustrations, skills.  Will they flee from you or stay close?  Will they be climbers or sit on the blanket and eat cheese cubes?  Will they dump toys or be content taking one toy out at a time?

When their little personalities start coming out we wonder...were they born that way or did we influence them.  The whole nature vs. nurture starts to weigh on our mind.   It is easy to hope for a little credit when they do things that make us proud...and it is very easy to blame nature on the little quirks that make our children human, unique, and ours.

Here are a few things I take credit for.... and a few things I don't....all of these are said with a giant smile and a little chuckle.
 
I like to think that the fact that our boys go to bed well has something to do with us... it is NOT just their personality or their need for sleep.

I like to think that I have made some choice with parenting that allows me to run errands at Target with both boys without the fear of a tantrum when we check out because they NEED candy. They always accept my reply, "not this time" with a shrug of the shoulders.

I will take all the credit for having boys that will travel 6 hours without the need to get out and run around, go potty, or feed on fast food.  That is all ME!

I like to think that I have something to do with the fact that Henry LOVES water.  He won't drink milk or juice but loves his water - all. day. long.

I like to think I have nothing to do with the fact that Henry is a picky eater because Charley isn't and we haven't done anything different with Henry - so how could that be my fault (wink! wink!).

It is not our fault AT ALL that Henry is still attached to his "ukkie" - that is ALL. HIM.

It is not anything that we did that has Charley struggling at times to play by himself.  It must be a personality trait that he was born with.

Today we went out for lunch...instead of stopping at 'Donalds' we went to a real restaurant.  I think it was one of Charley's first times really experiencing a salad bar.  He loved picking and choosing.  This is his second plate (meaning, this is what he went back for more of)....and I SWEAR that when I was pregnant with Charley, I turned to Ed one night, while I was devouring a big bowl of cookie dough ice cream, and I said confidently,

"OUR SON WILL EAT BEETS!"

Out of the mouths of babes...

 

This post is now part of Friday Follow. A blog hop that allows bloggers to find new fun blogs to read.  If you are visiting from Friday follow please only follow if you like what you see.

Children listen, they hear, they figure things out - and then ultimately, they repeat.  I try really hard to keep my cool, to use language that I am okay with them using.  But sometimes, I am normal, and I make a bad choice.  Lately, I have been paying attention to things I hear other kids say either around me and my children, in books, on TV, in cartoons...etc.  And there are a few that have stuck in my head.


Boring - My boys do not say or use the word 'boring' yet. I HATE this word. Maybe because of my background as a teacher.  It drove me nuts when I worked hard on an exciting lesson and then before we even started the students/ or usually A student would say, "this is going to be boring" which ultimately influenced several others, and if I wasn't on my toes and ready to preform - the dynamic of the entire hour changed. 

It drives me nuts when kids use the word boring to describe something.  In the world we live in there is very little opportunity for boredom...and I think it is all perspective. I am so proud that my boys don't use the word boring ...yet. I know it will come. And it will be okay. But right now, this is something we don't say in our house. And I love that their perspective is just not seeing boring as an option.


Stupid - this eeks out of my mouth from time to time when I am frustrated at something and as soon as it comes out you can hear me taking a quick inhale of breath - praying that my boys didn't hear it, absorb it, understand it. This word will come too...but five years without it coming out of the mouths of my babes is awesome.

and finally...

Whatever - this word was talked about recently with a few fellow moms at Henry's ECFE class.  We all agreed that it is not usually used respectfully.  I know I use this word myself much too often.  Charley has used it a few times and it was said with an eye roll...but the way he used it was aimed at himself...if that makes sense.  Not sure if that means it is okay - but I am not ready for the eye rolling and Whatever remarks.  Especially when they are aimed at his embarrassing mother.  I think I have a few more years before I have to worry about that one.

Language is a tough one.  There is so much that comes out of my mouth that is habit.  When you have children you try your best to change your language to be peaceful, intelligent, meaningful, and articulate.  Yet - we are all human and each family has their own little ways of verbalizing excitement, fear, frustration, and anger.  We all choose to name things using different words that are comfortable for ourselves.

What have you heard that makes you cringe?  Or what do you say that you have to try really hard to say differently?

I really wonder what I say that I am not aware of - and how it is already impacting my boys language.  More to worry about....but not today - today will be filled with fun - nothing boring!



 

Choices...

I think it is incredible how each household has their own idea of what is okay or normal for their children. And no household is more right or wrong than another, but it is funny how there are things that people do that just wouldn't work for me because that isn't how it is in our house.

This is not a judgment. NOT. AT. ALL. But rather just a realization that what they do is not what is said, done, or thought in your own household.  It is always interesting to hear the issues, the language, the standards, the rules, the normal in their house. Again, it isn't a judgment, but rather just a realization that we all have our things that we choose for our children  and it is so interesting to see the differences.  And there are times when I wish that something someone else did would work for me.  It would solve all my problems.

As a parent you look at the different choices that come up when raising your children and you evaluate how it will impact your child/family.  And every house and family and child is so different.  For example, it is also amazing how your second child is often times exposed much earlier or is given the opportunity earlier than the first.

I will admit proudly that before I was a parent I had these ideal visions of what I would allow my children to do, act, eat, etc. - and once I became a parent I realized that thinking "My kids will never do that," is not something I say anymore.

Here are some of the choices that we have been given.  The decision we made when presented with these situations still leaves me unsettled from time to time.   I might find myself defending a choice or talking myself into a reasoning...but I wanted to think this all out and document it so that someday they can see why we did the things we do for them.

TV - How much do you allow? How much freedom do you give on what they watch? What time of day do you let them watch? What is the job of the tv...to babysit? Entertain? Settle?

Our boys enjoy tv. They like their shows. There are days when we watch too much but then there are days when they don't watch any. I believe it all balances out in our household. When Henry was first born I think Charley watched a ton because it was how I survived those first few months of finding balance with two. There are many shows we haven't exposed our boys to...and my boys are satisfied. They aren't deprived.

Movies - What movies are okay? Do you take them to a theater? Is it a special activity or an everyday thing?

The grandparents live 4-6 hours away; so movies have been a valued form of entertainment when we travel. We also let Charley watch an occasional movie in the afternoon - and one afternoon we watched a movie twice. But the movies our boys can watch are appropriate and not scary. Most of the time we sit with them when they are watching a movie that is new. Star Wars has been huge in our household. Charley has seen episodes 4 and 5 (the ones we grew up seeing first). He loves them but he only watches them with daddy.  And Henry has (unfortunately) seen parts of both.

Guns, swords, cannons, etc - Do you allow them in your house? Charley was a pirate for Halloween when he was 3 and because of this swords became a fun toy. Charley has always shown control and safe play with them. Then Star Wars came into his life and light sabers became huge. With Star Wars guys comes play which includes guns and attacking. Even Henry is fascinated with this imaginative play. (It bothers me most of the time.) But the gun/attack play is always about Star Wars and there is rarely anything that transfers to being not associated with Star Wars play. Nerf guns are enjoyed by all of the inhabitants in our house.

So, do my boys watch movies, commercials, or tv shows that show everyday people doing violent acts with guns, swords, or cannons? HECK NO! And because we have sheltered them and made these choices they don't see these toys outside of the Star Wars and pirate world.  And for now, I will continue to lose sleep over the fact that sticks will become guns - and boys will be boys.

Art supplies - Since Charley was little he has had access to crayons, markers, scissors, and glue at his little table.  When Henry came along I assumed we would have to put it away -but we never really did.  We exposed Henry early and he has grown up, like Charley, knowing what the rules are in our house.  When I used to watch John and Kate Plus Eight I was always blown away when she wouldn't let them use markers.  I realize I have been lucky that my boys personalities have allowed them to be free with these materials.

Gum, Candy, Pop, and other treats -Our boys don't chew gum, drink pop, or eat very much candy. Candy is a treat. These items are normal childhood pleasures but the exposure has been limited and therefore they don't desire it...yet.  Will they someday over indulge because they were denied it when they were 5 - I don't think so.  Because it isn't that they aren't allowed but rather they just aren't exposed.  We do love our Lucky Charms and Cinnamon Toast Crunch!  And we bake up the wazoo!

Video Games - Until recently video games (other than the Leapster) were only played when we saw cousins or Uncles.  After Christmas we allowed the Wii to enter our household and we have been amazed by the fact that it hasn't taken over.  Charley plays it every once in a while for a short amount to time.  I know that too much leaves him emotionally strung out.  Amazing the impact.  This is something I wonder - if we should have waited with.  But as long as we teach moderation I think we will be okay.

Board games -  We are a big game family.  We have brought Charley up loving games and Henry already loves them.  We teach winning and losing and we get excited and competitive.  I truly believe that our reactions whether we win or lose show our boys that games are fun and and that winning or losing is part of the game.  I worry that our competitive game playing might result poorly - but then I think of the great family time and the fun and laughter and pray that it will have a bigger impact than the need to win.

These are choices that have entered our world as parents and I know there are WAY BIGGER decisions coming soon  (full day/ half day kindergarten/ homeschool, extra curricular activities, etc.)  All of these things we have decided are okay for our boys and complimenting these experiences with family time and family dinners that give them a foundation of love and compassion makes these choices okay - for now.  But these decisions are ever changing, and as parents we are given the opportunity to grow and change the dynamic in our household.  And we will change it up- based on the impact on our children and our family.

Parenting is a challenge - the decisions are 24/7.  And what is okay for our family is not okay for another family.  But the wonderful part of parenting is the fact that there is no one way - there is only what works for our family.  For today it is working...I think....

What choice have you made for your family that still leaves you laying awake at night wondering if you are doing it right -- this thing called parenting?

This post is linked to Simple Moms' 30- Minute Blog Challenge. 

Vowing to slow down

We have had an incredibly busy week.  It has been a fun week filled with adventures.  I was with my boys all week - there were no playdates at other people's houses.  We ventured to a birthday party, the zoo, ECFE classes, ski lessons, errands, played outside, and hung out with friends.  We had friends over to play and we watched a friend who needed care because their daycare closed down for the day.  Charley did go to preschool two mornings this week -but other than that we were go-go-going as a family.  We got Chipotle take out for dinner TWICE this week...which is more eating out than we did the entire month of January!  The laundry got to be out of control.  I never got to sit down with Charley and play a game or do any 'mama' school.

Many evenings when Ed arrived home he could tell I was 'done' and I think I said a couple times that I felt stressed...my heart was racing and I just didn't know why because there really wasn't anything stressful going on.   And he tipped his head and made the point, "You do it to yourself.  You have a choice."

I do this to myself every once in awhile...and while we are participating in a week of crazy commitments we enjoy it.  But as soon as the day has settled down and I take a moment to reflect, I feel very uneasy about the choices I made.  Were we go go going to much that we lost some of that quiet time to just be?

  I LOVE going on adventures with my boys.  When we are out and about - even sitting in the lobby at the car shop waiting for our car to get an oil change - I sometimes feel more engaged and present with my boys because I am not at home surrounded with the list of chores that could be done today.  So getting out with them is good.  But the every morning getting out of the house in a rush can be too much. 

Daily friend play dates can start to be too much too.  Henry idolizes his brother and when there is someone else here all the time taking him away I can see the impact.  Charley gets overwhelmed with too much fun going on - even though he LOVES it.

So next week I am vowing to slow down.  To make the quiet and relaxed atmosphere of our home the priority.  I will find more balance with playdates, outings, errands, and classes.  I will try and say yes to what is healthy for our family and no to the stuff that doesn't give us happy balance.

Spring is around the corner and with it comes even more possibilities for outside fun.  More energy will be burned.  And in some ways things slow down because a simple park visit can offer a chance to run, play, and catch up with friends.  So before the green grass appears and the massive snow piles melt away, I want to get a handle on what is a priority...because these days of being home with my two little guys are going so fast and I don't want to miss them because I am over committing us. 

I don't want to miss out on curling up with books, a good game of Sorry, building block towers, sorting match box cars by color, building forts, baking cookies, and stumbling around outside exploring nature...and this week we missed out on a lot of that because we were so busy.

Note:  All the busy that we were involved in was so important and fun...it just needed to be spread out a bit...we didn't need to do so much each day!   

Two of my favorite blogs these days are SimpleMom.net and Simplekid.net.  Both remind me daily to slow down and enjoy life.  These two posts really hit home this week. 

The first on Simple Mom is titled Fighting the Tyranny of the Urgent Home. 

The second is from Simple Kid and is called Slowing Down:  Taking the Time to Make Some Time.


I hope as your week winds down you can say you felt fulfilled by the choices you made.  Letting the dishes pile up so you could go outside with your little ones and let the sun warm your face was worth it.  Not folding the laundry immediately because there was a tinker toy ship to build was worth it.  Letting the piles of paper get a little high because you called a friend and had a good chat was worth it.  Having your husband pick up dinner so you could put your feet up and listen to your boys play was worth it.

Make your weekend worth it.....Whether it is go go going or relaxed and cozy at home in your pjs.


How do you slow life down when it gets too be too much?

Breathless

There are times when I ASK Charley to hold his brothers hand...like when we are running an errand at Target and I am trying to juggle the reusable grocery bags, my purse, a snack, and two little boys who have their own plan on what is going to happen. When Charley won't help his mama out and take Henry's hand or when Henry refuses to take a hand, I can be seen clenching my teeth really tightly.

But today, after a delightful morning at the nature center class I looked behind me and saw this. Well, actually, I looked behind and saw this and being the camera carrying mom that I am...I pretended to stop and look for my keys in my purse and told them to keep walking. Just so I could catch this moment with my camera.

A moment that makes it all worth it...A moment that makes me realize that even after yesterday's not so great day - we must be doing something right; because moments like this that happen naturally are breathtaking.

For the Love of Naps!

We are struggling over here today. It is hard to write about some of the not so good days or moments on here. When do you cross the line and share too much. But I need to vent. This week has been full of whining. Mostly by my five year old but by Tuesday afternoon it is hitting me and I can't seem to push it down and let the sunshine shine through. I am so frustrated.

I wake up every morning thinking today is a fresh start - but five year olds don't get that idea. I wake up thinking how can I organize the day so that it goes smooth and happy. I wake up ready for the day. The boys have been sleeping until 7 lately, which gives me time to wake up and have a few moments to think and take in the day ahead.

This morning when we rolled downstairs, Henry wanted to play Go Fish...so I got out the cards and the three of us played a few rounds. I was pumped - I know when I give them my 100% attention things always go great. But when I stood up to go make breakfast the whining started by 5 year old Charley. Luckily, the heart oatmeal seemed to make him smile. I managed to get them outside. But after that everything out of his mouth was a whine or a stubborn attitude.

I got to have Saturday all to myself and for part of the time I brainstormed and researched fun things to do with the boys. I have a whole long list...and I have even told Charley that I have projects, games, cakes to bake, etc. But yet, he whines. HE. WHINES! And I honestly, CAN'T STAND IT anymore. There is only so much patience that can pour forth of this tired from shoveling body.

I am doing well with the walking away instead of biting and getting into a back and forth crab fest with the kid. And today I figured it out - he needs a nap. He needs to catch up on some sleep. I have this feeling- and usually us moms are right on...but now it is 2 o'clock and if I have him nap now...then bedtime will NEVER happen. He has gotten in a habit of using this head lamp he got for his birthday to read a few books after we put him to bed. Last night he chose to strip out of his pjs and wet his bed...WHAT! ANNOYING! It was NOT an accident. It was a manipulation to get daddy's attention.

Anyways, tonight there will be no more flashlight. He will go to bed timely and tomorrow WILL. BE. A. NEW. DAY.

Because gosh darn it. If it isn't - then there will be a nap time reinstated tomorrow. And it will happen because I am the mom. And I. Know. BEST.

FOR THE LOVE OF NAPS!

How do you get through the days when your little ones pull you into their funk of a mood?